After a month of trials and a month to recover we are back to something that resembles normalcy. Two months! I can't believe it has been two months and a month in a half since my husband diagnosis.
With a precious face permanently ingrained in my mind's eye and the compassion I felt for my dearest husband when he found out his news in my heart. I'm glad this part of life has passed. But I'm not sorry for what it has taught me.
I had the choice to fall apart and lose myself in the sorrow and pity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to down play the still healing wound it has left on my heart. BUT the choice to live or die (to the situation) wasn't easy. To live, I had to fully lean on and trust that He knew I would one day feel what it would be like to truly smile and live again. Though I haven't fully gotten there yet, my time at a recent Christian women's retreat has given me such peace.
THE PAWN
"With every battle comes authority"
Anne Stock from Life Center in Harrisburg, PA had a message that spoke right to my heart. In the game chess there is a piece called the pawn. The first move the pawn can take is a two space move, but after the first initial move the pawn can only move one space at a time. If the pawn gets offended (captured), the pawn is wiped off the board. BUT, if the pawn is played correctly and gets to the other side of the board the pawn becomes QUEEN! I honestly have no clue how to play chess, but you get the picture.
I'm THAT pawn, trying to get to the other side without getting WIPED off the board. I have to fully rely on my King to guide me to become the queen I always dreamed of being. And with every battle won, I gain more authority in His kingdom! (Hahaha EAT THAT SATAN! I KNOW YOU didn't think I would get it. I could hear YOU trying to whisper bitter curses in my ear. BUT HA, take them back to the pits of hell where they and YOU belong!!)
My victories in my life are in MY KING!
During the retreat, one of the three speakers came over to me and asked if she could pray for me (while reading this, please note she had no clue, at first, what was going on in my life). She placed her hand on my heart and told me I didn't have to "stay strong" any more. She prayed my broken heart would mend. She told me whatever had happen to me God knew I was just doing what I thought was best. She prayed everything would be restored...DOUBLE, DOUBLE, DOUBLE (which if you know me, I definitely got a little giggle out of it)!! She than looked at me and said, I see three child en surrounding you (ok for those who don't believe in prophetic, please don't bash me because I DO, with caution of course). She prayed a little bit more, than looked at me again and asked if I was with child. Then I told her I lost a baby in January and she was like OH that's what that is. She prayed and told me it was ok to question the Lord. In the end she look at me right in the eye and told me not to worry because I will have more healthy LIVING babies.
I cried and cried hard. God knew how much I needed to cry and be comforted by Him. Though I knew in my heart I would be pregnant again, the confirmation God gave me made my heart smile. Jubilee will NEVER be replaced, but what was taken from me will be restored...DOUBLE!! Haha and NO that doesn't necessarily mean we'll have twins, so don't go jumping out of your seats...yet.
At the end of the retreat the speakers handed out ribbons of Bible verses. The prayed over each Bible verse, that the right verse would go to the right woman. This was my verse:
2 Timothy 2:4-7 (NKJV)
"No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier. And also if anyone competes in athletics, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. The hardworking farmer must be first to partake of the crops. Consider what I say, and may the Lord give you understanding in all things."
There's a Place For Us by Carrie Underwood
There’s a place out there for us,
more than just a prayer or anything we ever dreamed of.
So if you feel like giving up cause you don’t fit in down here,
fear is crashing in, close your eyes and take my hand.
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough
there’s a place for us, there’s a place for us.
Where the water meets the sky,
where your heart is free and hope comes back to life,
when these broken hands are whole again,
we will find what we’ve been waiting for,we were made for so much more
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough,
yes there’s a place for us, now there’s a place for us
So hold on, now hold on,
there’s a place for us
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough, exactly who we are is just enough,
there’s a place for us.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Picture This
As I wait for my placenta to expel itself, I see my husband slowly walk through the crowd of nurses and doctors. In his arms is a frail lifeless beauty. With tears streaming down his face he whispers, "what do we name her?" Nearly lifeless myself I managed to say, "Though this is an awful event, she is worth celebrating. Let's name her Jubilee Eden." He continues to cry and holds Jubilee close to his heart as he follows the doctors, nurses, and his struggling wife to the next destination in the hospital.
Through my screams and horrid pain, I manage to look to my left. I see a broken and devastated father holding his once active baby girl. I felt his utter devastation but my body was dead to any emotion. I couldn't manage to cry a tear, which broke my heart even more. Once the doctors stitched me up and figured they put me through enough torture for one night, I finally had a chance to hold Jubilee. I held her close and smelled a fragrant smell only a mother could appreciate. But not even then could my morphine'd and numb body conjure up any feeling, even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces. The next morning would be the last time we could handle holding her lifeless body. We didn't want our memories to be filled with the look of death, but with the hope of eternity.
My Dearest Jubilee,
How I long for this nightmare to end and to finally have you resting in my arms once again. I know, to be on this Earth is only temporary. But to wait so long to touch you again and see your face, is more like an evil torture!
This house that was once full of anticipation of your beautiful arrival, is now full of this certain emptiness only God can now fulfill. A gorgeous bassinet I searched the internet for months for is now full of what are now distant memories. Picture frames that were suppose to have years full of photos of you will continue to only have one. Cloth diapers that I knew in my heart would be WAY to small will continue to collect dust in the cabinet. The plethora of clothes a beautiful hearted woman gave us for you will continue to be boxed up until I can stand looking at them again. A beautiful snowflake wrap I longed to hold you in the first part of your fragile life, is thrown under the bassinet with no purpose anymore. Arms and hearts your warmth was suppose to fill are now cold and broken.
We all will heal with time, but we will never forget you and what you have done for us. Daddy and Mommy promise to walk out our God given destiny here on Earth and we'll be there in heaven with you one sweet day. May you have fun playing with God, your Great Grandparents, and all your friends in the mean time. I love you forever, my baby you'll be!
Love,
MOMMY
Through my screams and horrid pain, I manage to look to my left. I see a broken and devastated father holding his once active baby girl. I felt his utter devastation but my body was dead to any emotion. I couldn't manage to cry a tear, which broke my heart even more. Once the doctors stitched me up and figured they put me through enough torture for one night, I finally had a chance to hold Jubilee. I held her close and smelled a fragrant smell only a mother could appreciate. But not even then could my morphine'd and numb body conjure up any feeling, even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces. The next morning would be the last time we could handle holding her lifeless body. We didn't want our memories to be filled with the look of death, but with the hope of eternity.
How I long for this nightmare to end and to finally have you resting in my arms once again. I know, to be on this Earth is only temporary. But to wait so long to touch you again and see your face, is more like an evil torture!
This house that was once full of anticipation of your beautiful arrival, is now full of this certain emptiness only God can now fulfill. A gorgeous bassinet I searched the internet for months for is now full of what are now distant memories. Picture frames that were suppose to have years full of photos of you will continue to only have one. Cloth diapers that I knew in my heart would be WAY to small will continue to collect dust in the cabinet. The plethora of clothes a beautiful hearted woman gave us for you will continue to be boxed up until I can stand looking at them again. A beautiful snowflake wrap I longed to hold you in the first part of your fragile life, is thrown under the bassinet with no purpose anymore. Arms and hearts your warmth was suppose to fill are now cold and broken.
We all will heal with time, but we will never forget you and what you have done for us. Daddy and Mommy promise to walk out our God given destiny here on Earth and we'll be there in heaven with you one sweet day. May you have fun playing with God, your Great Grandparents, and all your friends in the mean time. I love you forever, my baby you'll be!
Love,
MOMMY
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Here on Earth
It has been a while! Between taking care of David and the babies, celebrating family birthday's, sick babies and being sick myself. I haven't been able to sit down and think, except for tonight.
It's 4:15 AM and I just finished watching a movie about a young boy that dies in a car accident. The plot of the movie was mainly about the grieving process of each family member. The mother of this young boy grieved by needing to know all the details of her son's death. She questions whether or not he suffered, if he was scared and called out for her. She cringed at the thought of her son suffering and she couldn't comfort him. The father didn't even want to talk about his son after his death. He ignored the fact his son was dead or even that his son was alive at one point. In the end, the father admitted his behavior was because he couldn't save his son from the car accident. The brother of the young boy drowned himself in drugs because he felt guilty that his older brother would drop the world for him but he couldn't even get out of bed to say goodbye the night his brother died. This movie made me think about my own grieving process.
Not to long ago a good friend of mine asked me, when do I hurt the most. Many have already assumed that seeing or holding a baby or seeing (hearing about) someone pregnant would bother me. Honestly neither one bothers me, not even the slightest bit. I hurt the most when I'm alone or feel lonely. When I'm lonely, I feel that emptiness. I was suppose to be holding our baby girl, breastfeeding her, enjoying those late nights with her and loving her. Having another person's child in my arms does not trigger any of those feelings, it's only when I'm alone and thinking or just lonely. Then the days I miss Jubilee the most is when I see sisters interacting with each other (more so in sitcom's then real life). Seing sisters make me wonder how Jubilee and Trinity would've interacted with each other. I wonder if they would've been best friend's or not have that much in common. But really, I feel like I'm dealing with everything well. I don't care to continue talking about the situation with people. I talked about it for two weeks straight and I really don't want to talk about my feelings with a counselor or therapist. I know I can talk to my pastor's and friend's, but my real outlet is writing. I'm not the best writer but it BEATS telling everyone twenty times!
Our calling as parents is to guide our children to God and hope we will spend forever with them in heaven. Though David and I aren't thrilled about not having time on Earth with Jubilee, we already know we will be spending eternity with her. Now, our focus is on our children here on Earth. David and I definitely plan on having more children at some point (year or TWO). We really aren't concerned about HOW we are having more children because we have such a heart for adoption. So if God didn't allow us to conceive we wouldn't be disappointed.
"I am designed by God and He has the perfect plan designed for ME!"
I need to pray and TRY to get to sleep before the little ones need to wake up. Today is going to be rough!!
It's 4:15 AM and I just finished watching a movie about a young boy that dies in a car accident. The plot of the movie was mainly about the grieving process of each family member. The mother of this young boy grieved by needing to know all the details of her son's death. She questions whether or not he suffered, if he was scared and called out for her. She cringed at the thought of her son suffering and she couldn't comfort him. The father didn't even want to talk about his son after his death. He ignored the fact his son was dead or even that his son was alive at one point. In the end, the father admitted his behavior was because he couldn't save his son from the car accident. The brother of the young boy drowned himself in drugs because he felt guilty that his older brother would drop the world for him but he couldn't even get out of bed to say goodbye the night his brother died. This movie made me think about my own grieving process.
Not to long ago a good friend of mine asked me, when do I hurt the most. Many have already assumed that seeing or holding a baby or seeing (hearing about) someone pregnant would bother me. Honestly neither one bothers me, not even the slightest bit. I hurt the most when I'm alone or feel lonely. When I'm lonely, I feel that emptiness. I was suppose to be holding our baby girl, breastfeeding her, enjoying those late nights with her and loving her. Having another person's child in my arms does not trigger any of those feelings, it's only when I'm alone and thinking or just lonely. Then the days I miss Jubilee the most is when I see sisters interacting with each other (more so in sitcom's then real life). Seing sisters make me wonder how Jubilee and Trinity would've interacted with each other. I wonder if they would've been best friend's or not have that much in common. But really, I feel like I'm dealing with everything well. I don't care to continue talking about the situation with people. I talked about it for two weeks straight and I really don't want to talk about my feelings with a counselor or therapist. I know I can talk to my pastor's and friend's, but my real outlet is writing. I'm not the best writer but it BEATS telling everyone twenty times!
Our calling as parents is to guide our children to God and hope we will spend forever with them in heaven. Though David and I aren't thrilled about not having time on Earth with Jubilee, we already know we will be spending eternity with her. Now, our focus is on our children here on Earth. David and I definitely plan on having more children at some point (year or TWO). We really aren't concerned about HOW we are having more children because we have such a heart for adoption. So if God didn't allow us to conceive we wouldn't be disappointed.
"I am designed by God and He has the perfect plan designed for ME!"
I need to pray and TRY to get to sleep before the little ones need to wake up. Today is going to be rough!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)