When Purity Stops at 'I DO'

Each person has their own convictions, this is the story of mine.  If your "offended" go to God!  But before I get into the controversial topic, just a quick update:

Busy, busy, busy has been the theme here at the Wilson household this past weekend.  We had a weekend of break through's, blessings and family!

This past weekend, David and I were able to attend a church event where Dale and LuAnn Mast were the speakers.  There were three different sessions and we were only planning to go to one.  Since it was David's weekend to work, I didn't think he would have the energy to attend, but God got us to ALL THREE!  Looking back there was one major thing we got out of each session.  I'm so glad we didn't listen to our flesh and went with our initial instinct that "God has something important for us".  I will tell you, if we didn't go, we wouldn't have had the BREAK THROUGH we did on Tuesday!  But you'll have to read about that one on a later date!

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WHEN PURITY STOPS AT 'I DO'

During my prayer, praise and soaking God really hit me with something I struggled with all my life.  MY BODY!  When I was becoming a teen, my pediatric doctor (female by the way) told me how perfect my body was becoming and how I had body measurements women can only dream about.  Little did she know, those comments would have a huge affect on my life, in SO many ways.  I struggled for sooo many years with my body.  But not only was the struggle with my body image but the way I presented my body! 

This is what started my healing:

About a month ago a friend of mind publicly asked her friend's about bathing suits.  The question was along the lines of...what are your opinion's about two piece bathing suits.  Let me tell you, I would be the FIRST to say, "honey if you have the body, please wear a bikini for those who can't!  Because if I had a body like your's, I'd be wearing a bikini as well!"  But this time my heart changed.  My first reaction was DON'T, there are sick men out there who get off on your body.  Which isn't a lie, but that wasn't the only reason I wanted to say no it's not appropiate.

Once upon a time I did have the body to wear the beautiful Victoria Secret crocheted gold bikini I so desparately wanted to wear again this summer.  But what happened to that desparity I once had to wear a bikini?  Did it disappear because of my weight?  I sat down and stewed in my battling spirit.  I haven't fought my flesh like this in a long time.  Honestly this battle really hurt but it's one that would SET ME FREE!!

The Lord flew me on the ground in anger and tears.  We had a conversation like I never experienced with the Lord before (one I'll remember forever):

Me:  Most women wear bikinis and some wear clothing that's even worse.  Men have an issue if women are fully covered up!
God: That's not the point. 
Me:  I don't understand why this is even a question, bikinis just got a bad name from jealous women who can't wear bikini's.  I won't become one of "those" women.
God:  Not the point, Christa.  Is that how you feel about yourself?  Jealous?
Me:  I'm not happy with my body but that's nothing a LOT of exercise can't change.
God:  How would it make you feel if you could wear a bikini?
Me:  I can show off my wonderful body once again.
God:  So, you would be proud of showing something I made sacred between your husband and you?
Me:  But we are married, I can show it off.  PLUS, David can finally be proud to show off his "hot" wife...well once I lost weight.
God:  What is your need to show your body to "everyone else"?  Do you not honor your husband or Me?  Do you not cherish yourself?  How is your attitude going to affect your children?
Me:......hmmm, what does a bikini have ANYTHING to do with this?
God:  It has NOTHING to do with a bikini it has EVERYTHING to do with how you see yourself Christa.  I want you to see yourself, like I see you!  Your worth so much more than just your body.  There's nothing wrong with looking nice and there's nothing wrong with having a healthy slim body.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with looking sexy for your husband, in the right setting.  But how do you expect to honor Me, your husband and yourself, if your showing everything off to "everyone" else?  First of all, you're suppose to honor Me with your body and if your distracting men and even women with your body, your keeping their focus on you and not ME.  Second of all, your husband should cherish you soooo much, he wants YOU and all of YOU for himself.  No one else should be seeing or thinking of your body the way your husband does. 
Me:  Well I can't help what other's are thinking.
God:  No, but to make a battle worse for someone else because of your ignorance, doesn't make you a better person.  For example, what if David looked at porn, is that ok with you?  Does that honor you?
Me:  No
God:  Because?
Me:  Because he is mentally having an affair with those women. 
God:  EXACTLY, his sexual thoughts should be for you, your his wife.  You are deserving of his love, his sensual thoughts and so much more!  And even though you can't control other people's thoughts, you can control what you do and what you wear.  Your honoring your sister's in Christ by gaurding their husband's/future husband's heart and mind.  What example would you be setting for Trinity or even Dawson?
Me:  I would be telling Trinity it would be ok to dishonor other's through the way she dresses and it's ok for her to be dishonored as well.  I would be telling Dawson it's ok to look at women in a disrepectful manner, which could cause huge honor issues late in life.
God:  Don't you think your child deserves to be honored and respected?
Me: Of course!
God:  That's how I think of all of my children! 

Our conversation hit my like a tsunami!  How did I let something SO superficial come before God?  I always struggle with how I presented my body.  I had many motto's, one was, "If you have it flaunt it!"  But I have learned I've been wrong for a long time!  I have learned there's a fine line between wanting to loose weight to be sexy for others and losing weight to be healthy.  I learned when I do lose all my weight, my desire is to be sexy for my husband...not ANYONE else!  But my ultimate desire is to be CUT FREE from the cookie cutter life and be a monumental wife!!  When I die, I want to leave a legacy for my daughter(s) of honor, purity, respect, love and all those other fuzzy words. 

What do you choose to leave behind for your children??

1 Corinthians 6: 19-20
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body."

"If I Just Smile"

"Smile" by Michael Bolton"


I didn't think it would hit so hard but Mother's Day really took a toll on me now that I'm looking back at it.  I had plenty of things going on this past week to keep my mind busy but I still found myself in a river full of tears in the most oddest of places. 

Sunday, I was going strong in the morning and got a little misty eyed during the service because some child cooed or cried or moved.  But it wasn't until we stopped by our home to pick up.  I needed to quickly grab the Mother's Day cards the kids made and use the facility.  While in the bathroom, I just lost it.  I remember how easy it was to birth my baby girl into the arms of God.  If I knew, exactly how everything was going to turn out, I wouldn't have been so hasty.  Even though she was already 2 weeks late.  I brushed my tears out of the way, sucked up the snot and told myself the pain will eventually cease.

Wednesday, David and I had some time to ourselves to clean up for my Mother's Day spa night.  We were aching for extra space for the exorbitant amount of stuff we have accumulated and decided to empty out the living room cabinet.  In the living room cabinet I had all of Jubilee's tiny cloth diapers (she would've NEVER fit in), everything for breastfeeding, and the first pregnancy test I took that had a BLARING positive!  As soon as I saw the pregnancy test the same emotion came over me as I had the night I first saw it.  I cried like a little baby because I was scared to see the positive test results but I didn't want it to go away.  Then David made a comment to try and stop me from crying more and I started to cry harder.  David and I were both in tears but the tears slow diminished after the box we placed the cloth diapers in was sealed.  Once again we smiled, sucked up the snot and told ourselves the pain will eventually cease.....(right?).

Friday night, I was just sitting here enjoying pictures of my babies on David's sister's facebook and the tears just start flowing.  I started wondering what type of personality did she have?  Was she as intuitive as her Mommy or as patient as her Daddy?  Would she be tall like her cousin Cait and her uncle Josh?  Or small and petite?  Was she going to be Daddy's girl or a Mommy's girl?  Would her hair curl, wave or be straight?  Would she laugh and be a happy baby like the rest of my children?  Just to see and feel for those few minutes was just not enough!!!

I MISS HER!  I would do anything to see her smile and to see her eyes light up whenever she saw me.  I would do anything to have her come back and make me miserably tired and miserably sore.  I would love to be able to hold her ALL night as she cried.  But most of all I would love to love her HERE and not from afar!

But until that day...I will just SMILE and enjoy my two little wonders here on Earth!  But Heaven will always have a huge chunk of my heart.

Going From Pleading to Praying

I spent our whole marriage trying to make David realize how important it is for our family to have him "step up" and lead our family.  I spent years frustrated, angry and hurt by my husband.  When I felt I needed him most, he busied himself with other stuff.  When I needed him to stand up for me because I wasn't strong enough, he coward away leaving me all by myself.  When I was hurt by something he did, he never owned up to his actions.  I had built a strong safe harbor for all my anger and when he did the slightest thing wrong, I would LOSE it!  Why couldn't he just understand?  Why won't he listen?  Why didn't he take me seriously?  Why couldn't he step up and be the man of God I always saw within????!!!

After everything happened with Jubilee and with David, I really thought these situations would be life changing for him.  I knew they were for me!  I was so hurt and disappointed, when I didn't see the growth that I expected (keep in mind I said "I").  My anger just grew into resentment.  I didn't understand!  I pleaded for David to realize what he was doing to his family by not being the head of the household, but it just fueled anger in both of us.  I do admit I didn't make it easy for him to be the head of the household (and my controlling spirit was a HUGE detriment).  I'm a strong willed stubborn woman who has PLENTY to say, but the Lord has luckily quieted my spirited (not my VOICE) since the women's retreat.

March 27th 2011, I went into church in a frustrated mood.  I just had enough!  I just needed to press into the praise and I just needed to rest my mind in the Lord.  During the praise (Open Up the Sky) God just sat me down.  I heard Him say, "Take 30 days in prayer, praise and soaking.  I want you to want ME!  I want you to want Me more than the blessings that come from Me.  Trust Me, I never disappoint!"
I continued to soak into that song, "Open up the sky, fall down like rain, we don't want blessings, we want you!  Open up the sky fall down like fire, we don't want anything but YOU!"  It became my heart's song the next thirty days. 

So the next day, I spent an hour in serious prayer and praise.  I had a such a release from whatever made me be sooo controlling.  After a couple of days, I found my times with the Lord started becoming real intense home encounters.  It was an insane experience and I have so much to share, but onto the post at hand.

I noticed a change of heart for my husband!  Instead of telling him about the change I wanted to see in him.  I STARTED to "be" the change, I wanted in our family.  I took my rightful place as a wife, praying for my husband everyday, our marriage, our children, our household and so on and so forth.  Don't get me wrong, I have always prayed for everything before, but this time it was different!  I changed my attitude toward my husband and silently forgave him for the hurt he caused me by not stepping up.

My husband had a desire to go to the Iron Sharpens Iron conference in Audubon.  I really wasn't sure where we would get the extra money but God worked it out perfectly.  The day of the conference my husband went straight there from work.  At home, I had a chance to clean, catch up on chores and do a spiritual house cleaning as well.  When David arrived at home, he was on FIRE!  In my heart I was gleaming, I have waited for this day for a while.  Once the babies went to bed, he told me everything about it.  He apologized to me for any hurt he had caused over the years and more (I apologized as well).  We sat and talked for a long time about how he was going to step up as the "head of the household" and we discussed the plan of execution thoroughly.  I was floored!!  I was speechless and that night I balled like a child.

I got on my knees once again and thanked the Lord for hearing my plea.  I thanked Him for being so faithful and hearing the desire of my heart and wanting to fufill that desire!  Since the conference I'm SOO proud to say....my husband listens to the Bible to and from work, read "Captivated", reads the "Bible stories for children" book to our babies every night, prays with/for the babies and I so beautifully, has a whole new appreciation for me, respects me, and he makes me feel like I'm the most gorgeous woman that has walked this Earth and has NO problem telling me!  Also he has been doing great quitting smoking!  Though God still has tons to strip away from us, we are willing to LET GO as a family!

I remember having a vision of David before we were dating.  We went to see Relient K in concert at Elizabethtown with our youth group.  He took my hand to get closer to the stage and in my mind's eye I saw David laying face down on the floor with the Bible in his hand and a note that read "YOU ARE IT!"  I'm sad to admit this...but I started to doubt if he'd ever be the man of God I saw him to be.  But, "NEVER underestimate my Jesus.  Your telling me that there's no hope.  I'm telling you...YOUR WRONG!"

That's just a TASTE of what God did with me throughout my encounter with Him!  It only gets better from here!

Time to go get to bed, but I want to leave you with this.....if you haven't already....go from being a pleading wife to a praying wife!  Trust ME it's life changing!

Picking up the pieces

Ahhh!  How nice it is to be back blogging again.  I decided to take a leave for a late lent/30 day prayer, praise and soaking in the Lord's presence.  It was a fabulous repreve and I have AMAZING testimonies from my time away, but I have plenty of time to share later.

A MILLION PIECES LATER

Picking up the billions of piece of my broken heart is becoming tedious.  Many people told me I will deal with Jubilee's death in waves and they weren't kidding.  I have days where I feel like I can move the world with what I have gained from this experience.  But most days I go through an amusement park of emotions.

At the end of the day I feel so incredibly blessed.  Though the time I had with her on Earth was devastatingly short, I still got to hold her for 10 months ;).  I got to feel her and I got to communicate with her when we had our quiet times together.  I was the one who got to spend the most time with her and I'm so incredibly grateful.

With Mother's Day quickly approaching, I'll find it hard to not feel blessed.  But it sure won't stop me from hurting because all THREE of my babies won't be celebrating with me.

Stay tuned for some incredible testimonies from the pass month and a half or so!  Time for a little prayer, praise and soaking, then off to bed, off to bed.....