It has been a while! Between taking care of David and the babies, celebrating family birthday's, sick babies and being sick myself. I haven't been able to sit down and think, except for tonight.
It's 4:15 AM and I just finished watching a movie about a young boy that dies in a car accident. The plot of the movie was mainly about the grieving process of each family member. The mother of this young boy grieved by needing to know all the details of her son's death. She questions whether or not he suffered, if he was scared and called out for her. She cringed at the thought of her son suffering and she couldn't comfort him. The father didn't even want to talk about his son after his death. He ignored the fact his son was dead or even that his son was alive at one point. In the end, the father admitted his behavior was because he couldn't save his son from the car accident. The brother of the young boy drowned himself in drugs because he felt guilty that his older brother would drop the world for him but he couldn't even get out of bed to say goodbye the night his brother died. This movie made me think about my own grieving process.
Not to long ago a good friend of mine asked me, when do I hurt the most. Many have already assumed that seeing or holding a baby or seeing (hearing about) someone pregnant would bother me. Honestly neither one bothers me, not even the slightest bit. I hurt the most when I'm alone or feel lonely. When I'm lonely, I feel that emptiness. I was suppose to be holding our baby girl, breastfeeding her, enjoying those late nights with her and loving her. Having another person's child in my arms does not trigger any of those feelings, it's only when I'm alone and thinking or just lonely. Then the days I miss Jubilee the most is when I see sisters interacting with each other (more so in sitcom's then real life). Seing sisters make me wonder how Jubilee and Trinity would've interacted with each other. I wonder if they would've been best friend's or not have that much in common. But really, I feel like I'm dealing with everything well. I don't care to continue talking about the situation with people. I talked about it for two weeks straight and I really don't want to talk about my feelings with a counselor or therapist. I know I can talk to my pastor's and friend's, but my real outlet is writing. I'm not the best writer but it BEATS telling everyone twenty times!
Our calling as parents is to guide our children to God and hope we will spend forever with them in heaven. Though David and I aren't thrilled about not having time on Earth with Jubilee, we already know we will be spending eternity with her. Now, our focus is on our children here on Earth. David and I definitely plan on having more children at some point (year or TWO). We really aren't concerned about HOW we are having more children because we have such a heart for adoption. So if God didn't allow us to conceive we wouldn't be disappointed.
"I am designed by God and He has the perfect plan designed for ME!"
I need to pray and TRY to get to sleep before the little ones need to wake up. Today is going to be rough!!
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