HEALED
David had his follow-up appointment today.
David's appointment at the urologist went absolutely swimmingly! The doctor told us all the testing looks normal and just taking out the testicle could be the ending of this nightmare. But David will be closely watched for the next two years in case of reoccurence. WHICH WON'T HAPPEN! We serve the Doctor above all doctors, the one true HEALER! Praise the Lord for the AMAZING news, but I will continue to pray for my husband!
I'm exhausted from getting up so early this morning. I'm off to pray and get a GOOD NIGHT SLEEP for the first time in a LONG time! Thank you for ALL of your prayers!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
UNIQUE
SNOWFALL
Today ended up being a beautiful day here on the east coast, considering the snow shower EARLY this morning. After the sunny warm day we had this weekend, I was hoping for more warmth. But I really have an appreciation for snow. Though it does make for a very cold day, I love the beauty snow creates.
Once I found out Jubilee was a girl, I decided to make the theme of her nursery "snowflakes." God makes each and every snowflake unique. When the light hits the snow, the bright white snow sparkles, glimmers and radiates a rainbow of color. The snow blankets the ground and covers the tree with a delicate beauty only God can paint on His canvas. I knew Jubliee would be a very unique baby, even though she did not carry out her life here on Earth. She will continue to carry out her life and destiny in heaven. She had a special purpose and she doesn't have to be present on Earth to fufill that purpose!
ALL THE TIME
God is GOOD ALL THE TIME! He has provided all our NEEDS and we are so thankful to our church family for blessing us!! Each person cared for us in different ways and we are speechless by the love shown by everyone. Thank you HCFT for showing us how the body of Christ truly works and we hope that one day we can bless all of you like you have blessed us!
PRAY
David has an early doctors appointment tomorrow. We will find out all the test results and the biopsy results tomorrow. Pray his test results are free and clear!
My husband is waking up from a nice afternoon nap. He definitely needed it since he got up at the CRACK of dawn this morning. So I better get dinner ready. Thank you all for your support, love and prayers!
Today ended up being a beautiful day here on the east coast, considering the snow shower EARLY this morning. After the sunny warm day we had this weekend, I was hoping for more warmth. But I really have an appreciation for snow. Though it does make for a very cold day, I love the beauty snow creates.
Once I found out Jubilee was a girl, I decided to make the theme of her nursery "snowflakes." God makes each and every snowflake unique. When the light hits the snow, the bright white snow sparkles, glimmers and radiates a rainbow of color. The snow blankets the ground and covers the tree with a delicate beauty only God can paint on His canvas. I knew Jubliee would be a very unique baby, even though she did not carry out her life here on Earth. She will continue to carry out her life and destiny in heaven. She had a special purpose and she doesn't have to be present on Earth to fufill that purpose!
ALL THE TIME
God is GOOD ALL THE TIME! He has provided all our NEEDS and we are so thankful to our church family for blessing us!! Each person cared for us in different ways and we are speechless by the love shown by everyone. Thank you HCFT for showing us how the body of Christ truly works and we hope that one day we can bless all of you like you have blessed us!
PRAY
David has an early doctors appointment tomorrow. We will find out all the test results and the biopsy results tomorrow. Pray his test results are free and clear!
My husband is waking up from a nice afternoon nap. He definitely needed it since he got up at the CRACK of dawn this morning. So I better get dinner ready. Thank you all for your support, love and prayers!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
OVERWHELMED
STRESS
David and I have been stressing out about finding out the test results Wednesday. Though we've had many hours together, we really haven't had a good talk about all of our current feelings. But in the midst of all this stress we've been feeling, our babies were due back home. I was so excited to have Trinity home, I told David we should have Dawson back home too. Dawson wasn't due back until Sunday. We missed our babies SO much, we wanted both of them home! David's mother dropped Dawson off and we were all home as a family.
Shortly after Dawson arrived, David started getting overhelmed with the babies being home. He was trying to sleep and the babies just wanted to play and spend quality time with us. I was trying to make dinner and David had trouble controlling the babies without getting frustrated. We soon realized having the children home was too overwhelming for the both of us. We were dealing with something FAR too underlying and our feelings were coming out in frustrations.
David mentioned we should give ourselves more time and call his parents. Though I knew I was stressed out by more than just my children being around, I started to ball my eyes out. I started to question my ability to be a mother. Every normal mother could take care of their children and their injured/sick husband, why couldn't I? Why was I such a failure?!
After the children were gone David knew we need time together to just talk. We decided to take a evening drive and just talk out all of our feelings.
We are feeling competely overwhelmed to say the least! The anxious wait to find out the test results is driving us completely to the nut house. Though we believe David can fully be healed, WHAT IF?! Also the financial strain this year has brought, has brought us humbly to our knees. Though our insurance is fabulous, we still didn't anticipate all the different co-pays for the doctor's visits and prescriptions (for the both of us). We still have no clue how we are going to afford our heating bill, electric bill, gas, and food! We know God will take care of us and provide ALL of our needs, but we can't help but be worried. But most of all we worry about our spiritual relationship. Do we doubt God too much that he won't bless us? Will He not allow healing if we doubt He can heal? We are stronger and more closer then God ever, but will our human doubt be the demise of us? Oh Lord please have mercy and forgive us!
"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!"
I better get to bed, we have church in the early morning and I still have to pray! Please keep David and I in your prayers, today was definitely a rough day.
David and I have been stressing out about finding out the test results Wednesday. Though we've had many hours together, we really haven't had a good talk about all of our current feelings. But in the midst of all this stress we've been feeling, our babies were due back home. I was so excited to have Trinity home, I told David we should have Dawson back home too. Dawson wasn't due back until Sunday. We missed our babies SO much, we wanted both of them home! David's mother dropped Dawson off and we were all home as a family.
Shortly after Dawson arrived, David started getting overhelmed with the babies being home. He was trying to sleep and the babies just wanted to play and spend quality time with us. I was trying to make dinner and David had trouble controlling the babies without getting frustrated. We soon realized having the children home was too overwhelming for the both of us. We were dealing with something FAR too underlying and our feelings were coming out in frustrations.
David mentioned we should give ourselves more time and call his parents. Though I knew I was stressed out by more than just my children being around, I started to ball my eyes out. I started to question my ability to be a mother. Every normal mother could take care of their children and their injured/sick husband, why couldn't I? Why was I such a failure?!
After the children were gone David knew we need time together to just talk. We decided to take a evening drive and just talk out all of our feelings.
We are feeling competely overwhelmed to say the least! The anxious wait to find out the test results is driving us completely to the nut house. Though we believe David can fully be healed, WHAT IF?! Also the financial strain this year has brought, has brought us humbly to our knees. Though our insurance is fabulous, we still didn't anticipate all the different co-pays for the doctor's visits and prescriptions (for the both of us). We still have no clue how we are going to afford our heating bill, electric bill, gas, and food! We know God will take care of us and provide ALL of our needs, but we can't help but be worried. But most of all we worry about our spiritual relationship. Do we doubt God too much that he won't bless us? Will He not allow healing if we doubt He can heal? We are stronger and more closer then God ever, but will our human doubt be the demise of us? Oh Lord please have mercy and forgive us!
"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!"
I better get to bed, we have church in the early morning and I still have to pray! Please keep David and I in your prayers, today was definitely a rough day.
What is Love?
INTERPRETATION
Each and every one of us loves differently and interprets love differently. Have you ever read the book "Love Languages?" If not I truly recommend it. I remember my parents reading the book in their Sunday school class when I was younger. But honestly I never understood what the book was explaining until I was married and had children.
I've learned by reading the book, I show love with time and gifts. I love spending one on one time with my husband, children, family and friends. I can really listen to them and give them all of my attention. I also love giving gifts. My heart wants to give gifts to everyone I meet, but my wallet doesn't allow me to bless others YET. I notice when I talk to others, I remember the small things they say they need or want. I love buying those things for them because it shows them, I love them enough to remember. The way I show my love is exactly how I like to receive love and for the same reasons too.
My husband shows love with his actions and words. He never hesitates to say, "I love you!" He is always willing to serve those without grumbling or hesitating (most the time). The way he shows love is exactly how he likes to receive love. But I only knew how to love David the way I wanted to, not the way he NEEDED to be loved.
Before David and I understood love languages we were a mess. I had no clue why I had to tell him I loved him, when I was there with him and spending time with him. I didn't understand whenever I didn't feel like doing something FOR him, he felt slighted and unloved. David struggled in the same way. He didn't understand that even though we spent all day together with the children, watching tv or a movie and in the same house...why I still felt alone. He didn't understand why I felt slighted and neglected when he would go fishing for 8 hours at a time. We both did not understand each others love language and it was destroying us.
Once we understood what each other's (and our kids) love languages were, we were able to feel fufilled. There was no more MISUNDERSTANDING and satan couldn't destroy the beautiful marriage we had! David has learned I need time just with him to just talk, love and cuddle. I have learned I need to tell David how much I love him and show him with my actions by doing things for him without grumbling or rolling my eyes. All of this understanding has opened a door of communication David and I have FIREPROOF'd our marriage with (which Fireproof is another AMAZING movie).
We are still learning a lot about each other. We aren't the perfect couple by any means and we don't have the solutions for all the marital problems in the world. But we KNOW for a fact that we love each other. We also know for a fact that all the work it takes to make our marriage tick is WORTH IT!
"If you aren't willing to break down the walls built around your heart, how can anyone truly love you?"
All my chores are done, I just need to spend some time with the Lord and pray by my husbands bedside. Continue to keep David in your prayers!!
Each and every one of us loves differently and interprets love differently. Have you ever read the book "Love Languages?" If not I truly recommend it. I remember my parents reading the book in their Sunday school class when I was younger. But honestly I never understood what the book was explaining until I was married and had children.
I've learned by reading the book, I show love with time and gifts. I love spending one on one time with my husband, children, family and friends. I can really listen to them and give them all of my attention. I also love giving gifts. My heart wants to give gifts to everyone I meet, but my wallet doesn't allow me to bless others YET. I notice when I talk to others, I remember the small things they say they need or want. I love buying those things for them because it shows them, I love them enough to remember. The way I show my love is exactly how I like to receive love and for the same reasons too.
My husband shows love with his actions and words. He never hesitates to say, "I love you!" He is always willing to serve those without grumbling or hesitating (most the time). The way he shows love is exactly how he likes to receive love. But I only knew how to love David the way I wanted to, not the way he NEEDED to be loved.
Before David and I understood love languages we were a mess. I had no clue why I had to tell him I loved him, when I was there with him and spending time with him. I didn't understand whenever I didn't feel like doing something FOR him, he felt slighted and unloved. David struggled in the same way. He didn't understand that even though we spent all day together with the children, watching tv or a movie and in the same house...why I still felt alone. He didn't understand why I felt slighted and neglected when he would go fishing for 8 hours at a time. We both did not understand each others love language and it was destroying us.
Once we understood what each other's (and our kids) love languages were, we were able to feel fufilled. There was no more MISUNDERSTANDING and satan couldn't destroy the beautiful marriage we had! David has learned I need time just with him to just talk, love and cuddle. I have learned I need to tell David how much I love him and show him with my actions by doing things for him without grumbling or rolling my eyes. All of this understanding has opened a door of communication David and I have FIREPROOF'd our marriage with (which Fireproof is another AMAZING movie).
We are still learning a lot about each other. We aren't the perfect couple by any means and we don't have the solutions for all the marital problems in the world. But we KNOW for a fact that we love each other. We also know for a fact that all the work it takes to make our marriage tick is WORTH IT!
"If you aren't willing to break down the walls built around your heart, how can anyone truly love you?"
All my chores are done, I just need to spend some time with the Lord and pray by my husbands bedside. Continue to keep David in your prayers!!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I'M...OUT OF IT!
My husband found a love for our new laptop. So, if I don't blog as often, my husband or my children are at fault. Tonight it's my husband's fault I'm only going to blog a small message. But to spend time with him, wait on him and let him use my computer is worth it.
David and I have been getting up ridiculously early. I love sleeping in but David has never been one to sleep in, he was always up at the break of dawn. Early in our marriage, his "early-to-rise" attitude never bothered me. But I have become a very light sleeper and once I'm awake, I have the worst time getting back to sleep.
I am now on a "regular" sleep schedule and I'm not thrilled about being tired at 12 A.M. I loved having energy at night to clean, play on the computer and have quiet time with myself. So hopefully my sleep schedule will change soon because I'm not to sure how much I can take.
I honestly don't wake up early...under normal standards. But 9 A.M. is way too early for me! I do not function correctly until 11 A.M. earliest. I know it's unbelieveable but I love the night and everything it has to offer. The night offers down time with my babies, quiet when the babies go to bed, fun with friends, cuddles with the hubby and quality time with God.
So I am feel a little bit...out-of-sorts being off of my normal schedule. Excuse me (in advance), if my blogs are lacking, short, or do not make sense (like this one lol)!
KEEP PRAYING!! David got the rest of his testing today and we are believing all the testing will show NO MORE ISSUES!!
David and I have been getting up ridiculously early. I love sleeping in but David has never been one to sleep in, he was always up at the break of dawn. Early in our marriage, his "early-to-rise" attitude never bothered me. But I have become a very light sleeper and once I'm awake, I have the worst time getting back to sleep.
I am now on a "regular" sleep schedule and I'm not thrilled about being tired at 12 A.M. I loved having energy at night to clean, play on the computer and have quiet time with myself. So hopefully my sleep schedule will change soon because I'm not to sure how much I can take.
I honestly don't wake up early...under normal standards. But 9 A.M. is way too early for me! I do not function correctly until 11 A.M. earliest. I know it's unbelieveable but I love the night and everything it has to offer. The night offers down time with my babies, quiet when the babies go to bed, fun with friends, cuddles with the hubby and quality time with God.
So I am feel a little bit...out-of-sorts being off of my normal schedule. Excuse me (in advance), if my blogs are lacking, short, or do not make sense (like this one lol)!
KEEP PRAYING!! David got the rest of his testing today and we are believing all the testing will show NO MORE ISSUES!!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My Angel
LONG MONTH
I can't believe it's already been a month. This whole month seemed to go SO slow but incredilbly fast all at the same time. My much anticipated homebirth after 2 c-sections is a beautiful story with an unfortunate ending. This isn't the long version of Jubilee's birth story, but this is all I can handle!
OVERDUE
My ESTIMATED due date, January 2nd 2011 came and went. I knew in my heart my baby's loved my warm squishy home I gave them, so it didn't surprise me when I past my due date. After a week I really started getting anxious, I was really starting to get SICK of being pregnant, but I promised myself I would wait for God's perfect timing. On January 10th I scheduled a bio-physical profile. I was really upset my baby girl had no desire to come out and meet her family. I prayed she would come before the bio-physical profile and NO lie, 4 A.M. Thursday morning I started having contractions and bloody show. I was absolutely thrilled to have regular contractions. But I was completely heart broken later in the day, when the contractions decided to stop. This off and on continued until January 15th around 4am when they became a little more "regular." Regular and intense enough I couldn't sleep or take a nap.
JANUARY 16th
Sunday in the early morning, I was still up but this time the pain was more intense. I couldn't get comfortable during the contractions and I was starting to become really irritated due to the fact I couldn't sleep. Around 4 A.M. David thought it would be good to relax in the tub. He filled the tub with warm glorious water and when I got into the water, I had INSTANT relief! I saw on different posts for "labor management," water was nature's epidural. Boy, we're they right! After a couple of hours of intense contractions David called our midwife Jen. IT WAS TIME! But soon after he called my contractions didn't feel as intense and honestly I felt as if they STOPPED!
All my birth support ladies showed up and I felt so dumb we asked them to come because my contractions were less intense. But when Jen checked me around 8 A.M., I was already PAST transition! I was 6 cm!! It was the most accomplished feeling. I decided we should call my mommy, David's mother and his sister. Shortly after the call everyone was there, I knew for sure I wanted there during our baby girl's arrival.
Everyone was getting hungry and started ordering Subway for lunch. Jen wanted to check my progress before everyone got distracted with lunch. I was 9cm! I was thru the roof, I couldn't believe I got to 9 cm without any agonizing pain! I was so thankful to God for such a beautiful labor.
Jen had me walk around after lunch to get everything moving but I had absolutely no urge to push. At this point I was just irritable and exhausted. I got back into the tub for a while but I was just not into it. I needed sleep so I took a NAP!! It wasn't easy to take a nap because the contractions would wake me up every minute. But I was so incredibly tired, when I "woke" up from my nap, I was refreshed and ready to push.
I headed downstairs with everyone and told Jen I felt ready to start pushing. I felt like I was pushing forever and I wasn't getting any where. But what seemed like FOREVER later and MANY pushing positions later, Jen urged me to see our baby girl's head popping out as I pushed. She was intent on me to seeing the progress I was making, though I had no desire to LOOK down there (lol).
I would continue but since Jubilee's birth is under investigation (just like any death), I cannot go into the details of her actual arrival.
But Jubilee's delivery was EASY! After hearing things like..."just push through the ring of fire!" I was really nervous about delivering a child for the first time. I thought Jubilee was small because I hardly felt ANY pain during her delivery. I did feel a little bit of burning but it last only a couple of seconds until I pushed again. I felt so blessed to have a birth so beautiful!
IN HIS ARMS
My birth experience was INCREDIBLE! Though I wish I could give you an ending filled with little baby coos and tiny baby cries, I cant. It breaks my heart I can't share one month pictures of my beautiful little girl. But Jubilee Eden is being well taken care of by our Saviour! She is now waiting for us in heaven and I pray we can introduce each and every one of you to our angel one sweet day.
"He is all I have, when I feel I lost everything!"
I can't believe it's already been a month. This whole month seemed to go SO slow but incredilbly fast all at the same time. My much anticipated homebirth after 2 c-sections is a beautiful story with an unfortunate ending. This isn't the long version of Jubilee's birth story, but this is all I can handle!
OVERDUE
My ESTIMATED due date, January 2nd 2011 came and went. I knew in my heart my baby's loved my warm squishy home I gave them, so it didn't surprise me when I past my due date. After a week I really started getting anxious, I was really starting to get SICK of being pregnant, but I promised myself I would wait for God's perfect timing. On January 10th I scheduled a bio-physical profile. I was really upset my baby girl had no desire to come out and meet her family. I prayed she would come before the bio-physical profile and NO lie, 4 A.M. Thursday morning I started having contractions and bloody show. I was absolutely thrilled to have regular contractions. But I was completely heart broken later in the day, when the contractions decided to stop. This off and on continued until January 15th around 4am when they became a little more "regular." Regular and intense enough I couldn't sleep or take a nap.
JANUARY 16th
Sunday in the early morning, I was still up but this time the pain was more intense. I couldn't get comfortable during the contractions and I was starting to become really irritated due to the fact I couldn't sleep. Around 4 A.M. David thought it would be good to relax in the tub. He filled the tub with warm glorious water and when I got into the water, I had INSTANT relief! I saw on different posts for "labor management," water was nature's epidural. Boy, we're they right! After a couple of hours of intense contractions David called our midwife Jen. IT WAS TIME! But soon after he called my contractions didn't feel as intense and honestly I felt as if they STOPPED!
All my birth support ladies showed up and I felt so dumb we asked them to come because my contractions were less intense. But when Jen checked me around 8 A.M., I was already PAST transition! I was 6 cm!! It was the most accomplished feeling. I decided we should call my mommy, David's mother and his sister. Shortly after the call everyone was there, I knew for sure I wanted there during our baby girl's arrival.
Everyone was getting hungry and started ordering Subway for lunch. Jen wanted to check my progress before everyone got distracted with lunch. I was 9cm! I was thru the roof, I couldn't believe I got to 9 cm without any agonizing pain! I was so thankful to God for such a beautiful labor.
Jen had me walk around after lunch to get everything moving but I had absolutely no urge to push. At this point I was just irritable and exhausted. I got back into the tub for a while but I was just not into it. I needed sleep so I took a NAP!! It wasn't easy to take a nap because the contractions would wake me up every minute. But I was so incredibly tired, when I "woke" up from my nap, I was refreshed and ready to push.
I headed downstairs with everyone and told Jen I felt ready to start pushing. I felt like I was pushing forever and I wasn't getting any where. But what seemed like FOREVER later and MANY pushing positions later, Jen urged me to see our baby girl's head popping out as I pushed. She was intent on me to seeing the progress I was making, though I had no desire to LOOK down there (lol).
I would continue but since Jubilee's birth is under investigation (just like any death), I cannot go into the details of her actual arrival.
But Jubilee's delivery was EASY! After hearing things like..."just push through the ring of fire!" I was really nervous about delivering a child for the first time. I thought Jubilee was small because I hardly felt ANY pain during her delivery. I did feel a little bit of burning but it last only a couple of seconds until I pushed again. I felt so blessed to have a birth so beautiful!
IN HIS ARMS
My birth experience was INCREDIBLE! Though I wish I could give you an ending filled with little baby coos and tiny baby cries, I cant. It breaks my heart I can't share one month pictures of my beautiful little girl. But Jubilee Eden is being well taken care of by our Saviour! She is now waiting for us in heaven and I pray we can introduce each and every one of you to our angel one sweet day.
"He is all I have, when I feel I lost everything!"
Monday, February 14, 2011
Handle with Care
LONG DAY
I am exhausted! But my poor husband is sitting across from me in tons of pain BUT in great spirits.
David, his father Mike and I got to the hospital at 10:30am today and David went into pre-op. He got prepped for his short surgery and he looked so cute in his hospital booties and gown. We waited for a while until the Doctor came in and marked the side where he was getting surgery. His father and I prayed over David, then I watched me husband walk away. I'm so happy Mike was there because if I was left alone with my own thoughts the day would've been a lot more draining.
Mike and I headed out to the waiting room while David was in surgery. It was great to sit, talk and spend quality time with my father in-law. The nurse came and got us once David was in recovery. The nurse scared me when they said they had trouble waking David up. Once I saw David I knew it wasn't because there was anything wrong, he was just groggy from all the anesthesia. It took him a while to get himself together enough to be able to pee. It's amazing a simple task like peeing can be so hard to do after surgery. But the nurses were happy with the little he was able to supply.
I was so happy to be home tonight and be able to focus on taking care of the man who took care of me through 3 pregnancies and two babies! To finally become the caregiver gave me so much joy. Of course I hate to see him in pain and it's very exhausting emotionally. But to be able to show the love I have for my husband through my actions makes me feel like I'm truly doing my job as a wife!
KEEP praying, we will find out the results of the biopsy, cat scan and other tests Wednesday February 23rd! We are praying for a CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH!!
"The Lord died for us so we may be free of ALL disease and pain!"
I am exhausted! But my poor husband is sitting across from me in tons of pain BUT in great spirits.
David, his father Mike and I got to the hospital at 10:30am today and David went into pre-op. He got prepped for his short surgery and he looked so cute in his hospital booties and gown. We waited for a while until the Doctor came in and marked the side where he was getting surgery. His father and I prayed over David, then I watched me husband walk away. I'm so happy Mike was there because if I was left alone with my own thoughts the day would've been a lot more draining.
Mike and I headed out to the waiting room while David was in surgery. It was great to sit, talk and spend quality time with my father in-law. The nurse came and got us once David was in recovery. The nurse scared me when they said they had trouble waking David up. Once I saw David I knew it wasn't because there was anything wrong, he was just groggy from all the anesthesia. It took him a while to get himself together enough to be able to pee. It's amazing a simple task like peeing can be so hard to do after surgery. But the nurses were happy with the little he was able to supply.
I was so happy to be home tonight and be able to focus on taking care of the man who took care of me through 3 pregnancies and two babies! To finally become the caregiver gave me so much joy. Of course I hate to see him in pain and it's very exhausting emotionally. But to be able to show the love I have for my husband through my actions makes me feel like I'm truly doing my job as a wife!
KEEP praying, we will find out the results of the biopsy, cat scan and other tests Wednesday February 23rd! We are praying for a CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH!!
"The Lord died for us so we may be free of ALL disease and pain!"
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Worthy
COMMUNICATING WORTH
The theme of Pastor Anita's sermon today was "communicating worth." It was exactly what I needed to hear and it was like a breath of fresh air.
"There is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1
Anyone get a chance to see The Passion of the Christ? The most powerful moment in the movie for me was when Jesus was whipped, beaten, then expected to carry His own cross, then nailed to the cross. To actually see the moment portrayed was gut wrenching and I couldn't stop crying. But most of all I couldn't help but beg for the torture to STOP! If Jesus and God weren't communicating OUR worth to us, I don't know what else could have been done.
It boggles my mind, even before I was born, God deemed ME worthy and forgave MY sins (past, present and future sins) by giving His own son so WE ALL may live forever with each other. Awesome? I think so!! Each and every one of us are worthy of that forgiveness, worthy of goodness, worthy of healing, worthy of EVERYTHING. We have value in this world according to God. Though the world has its own definition of worth. Maybe this is why the human race is all screwed up?
Through the world's eyes we're aren't worth anything if we don't have the money, success or material things. But personally when I meet God, I don't want to be the one saying...look how much money, succes and THINGS, I had! I want to be saying look who I brought to Your Kingdom!
I may not be worth anything by this world's standards but I mean the world to God!
"All God wants is YOU!"
Alright, now for some Valentine's day fun with the husband. His ultimate desire is to see Gnomeo and Juliet tonight, haha should I be concerned for his love of Gnomes? Gnomes are kind of scary to me. But the movie looks cute, so I'm giving into his "need" to see such a movie.
The theme of Pastor Anita's sermon today was "communicating worth." It was exactly what I needed to hear and it was like a breath of fresh air.
"There is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1
Anyone get a chance to see The Passion of the Christ? The most powerful moment in the movie for me was when Jesus was whipped, beaten, then expected to carry His own cross, then nailed to the cross. To actually see the moment portrayed was gut wrenching and I couldn't stop crying. But most of all I couldn't help but beg for the torture to STOP! If Jesus and God weren't communicating OUR worth to us, I don't know what else could have been done.
It boggles my mind, even before I was born, God deemed ME worthy and forgave MY sins (past, present and future sins) by giving His own son so WE ALL may live forever with each other. Awesome? I think so!! Each and every one of us are worthy of that forgiveness, worthy of goodness, worthy of healing, worthy of EVERYTHING. We have value in this world according to God. Though the world has its own definition of worth. Maybe this is why the human race is all screwed up?
Through the world's eyes we're aren't worth anything if we don't have the money, success or material things. But personally when I meet God, I don't want to be the one saying...look how much money, succes and THINGS, I had! I want to be saying look who I brought to Your Kingdom!
I may not be worth anything by this world's standards but I mean the world to God!
"All God wants is YOU!"
Alright, now for some Valentine's day fun with the husband. His ultimate desire is to see Gnomeo and Juliet tonight, haha should I be concerned for his love of Gnomes? Gnomes are kind of scary to me. But the movie looks cute, so I'm giving into his "need" to see such a movie.
The Day Goes On
SILENCE
The silence in the household is deafening, though the tv is on and the clicking of my nails on the keyboard fill our small living room, the nervous silence between David and I is drowning out the noises of the world. There's truly nothing to say.
David and I had many errands to run today. We love driving around together because it's our time to talk about everything or listen to music and let the music talk. But today was different, we had the opportunity to do all our errands without the children (thanks to David's parents). Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of talking, but a HUGE elephant was present in the car and it wasn't easy to ignore. We were talking so much, we even reminisced about the days we used to spread out a blanket at the nearest park and to talk for hours about life, love and future plans. As we reminisced, all I could dwell on was, "never did we imagine THIS?" But who would imagine such horrible situations?
POSTED
I announced my blog officially today. The overwhelming response has been such a blessing. Even though David and our family have a FABULOUS support system (our parents/family especially), it's nice to know we will have the love, support, prayers and good thoughts from as many people as possible. To have support from people you don't even know is the most heart warming feeling to me. Since, I never felt like I was a "people person."
All the comments we received are so comforting. But let me unveil some things about myself. To everyone I may seem like a strong spiritual woman, but inside...this woman feels broken, shattered and unworthy of a God who would give His only son for someone like ME! I'm far from the perfect praying church wife. But I have come a LONG way from my rebellious party girl ways. BUT I still let my anger get the best of me, along with my "confrontational" tongue. I love a good drink with an umbrella, along with a menthol cigarette. Music is a huge outlet for me but some of the music on my playlist should be deleted. Most of all I will NEVER feel like a good enough friend, sister, daughter, mother and wife! I will not allow this blog to become false advertisement, I'm FAR from perfect! But God loves me and wants me to come to Him as I AM!! The closer I become to God the more HE (and only HE) will fix what needs fixing. I'm only human and no one understands more then Jesus!
"Looking for someone to love you for you? He loves YOU, let Him love you back!"
It's prayer time here and I need to get some rest since David and I our celebrating Valentine's day tomorrow afternoon! So, I may not be on to blog tomorrow night. If I do not get a chance to blog, PLEASE keep David in your prayers, he was called to be at the hospital
The silence in the household is deafening, though the tv is on and the clicking of my nails on the keyboard fill our small living room, the nervous silence between David and I is drowning out the noises of the world. There's truly nothing to say.
David and I had many errands to run today. We love driving around together because it's our time to talk about everything or listen to music and let the music talk. But today was different, we had the opportunity to do all our errands without the children (thanks to David's parents). Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of talking, but a HUGE elephant was present in the car and it wasn't easy to ignore. We were talking so much, we even reminisced about the days we used to spread out a blanket at the nearest park and to talk for hours about life, love and future plans. As we reminisced, all I could dwell on was, "never did we imagine THIS?" But who would imagine such horrible situations?
POSTED
I announced my blog officially today. The overwhelming response has been such a blessing. Even though David and our family have a FABULOUS support system (our parents/family especially), it's nice to know we will have the love, support, prayers and good thoughts from as many people as possible. To have support from people you don't even know is the most heart warming feeling to me. Since, I never felt like I was a "people person."
All the comments we received are so comforting. But let me unveil some things about myself. To everyone I may seem like a strong spiritual woman, but inside...this woman feels broken, shattered and unworthy of a God who would give His only son for someone like ME! I'm far from the perfect praying church wife. But I have come a LONG way from my rebellious party girl ways. BUT I still let my anger get the best of me, along with my "confrontational" tongue. I love a good drink with an umbrella, along with a menthol cigarette. Music is a huge outlet for me but some of the music on my playlist should be deleted. Most of all I will NEVER feel like a good enough friend, sister, daughter, mother and wife! I will not allow this blog to become false advertisement, I'm FAR from perfect! But God loves me and wants me to come to Him as I AM!! The closer I become to God the more HE (and only HE) will fix what needs fixing. I'm only human and no one understands more then Jesus!
"Looking for someone to love you for you? He loves YOU, let Him love you back!"
It's prayer time here and I need to get some rest since David and I our celebrating Valentine's day tomorrow afternoon! So, I may not be on to blog tomorrow night. If I do not get a chance to blog, PLEASE keep David in your prayers, he was called to be at the hospital
Monday at 10:30 AM and we will be there for about 5 hours (give or take)
PLEASE BE PRAYING!
Thank you in advance!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Scheduled Surgery
DOORS
"Where God closes one door, He will open another".
(Recap- David's doctor needed him to see the urologist before seeing the oncologist and the urologist recommended didn't have an appointment for ANOTHER week!)
David was NOT going to let another week go by, he wanted answers, he wanted this cancerous mass out of him and out of him NOW.
That same Monday, David called another urologist in the Lehigh Valley Hospital network instead of the Reading Hospital network. The doctor was able to see him Wednesday February 9th at 8am. AHH, that date felt much better for us!
On February 9th we got to the urologist early to fill out paper work. Once we were taken into the examination room, the nurse checked David's vitals and soon after the doctor entered. The urologists confidence gave me peace and his straight forward talk made me feel confident he knew what he was talking about.
The urologist told David/us everything about testicular cancer in a very "these are just the facts" type of way. But he told us, David must get another ultrasound, more blood work and he might as well get all the pre-admission testing. Though the urologist believed the ultrasound and lab results our primary care physician ordered, he wanted to see all the test results with his own eyes. Then the urologist informed us David was going into surgery Monday February 14th and all of David's testing was going to be ordered STAT. Which I honestly did not know what STAT meant. But apparently it meant THAT SAME DAY! Luckily I was going for a follow up appointment at the same location David needed to get all his testing. Wednesday ended up being a LONG exhausting day.
SAVING FACE:
After the long drawn out day, David and I were never happier to be home. If you know my husband personally, he is the type that attempts to hide his feelings but his feelings are written all over his face. I could tell he was nervous, stressed out and the events of the day have drained him, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. He looked deep in thought with no where to escape from those thoughts. I felt for him, wanted to cry for him, wanted to be angry for him but mostly I wanted to know the outcome so I could give him some kind of peace! But all we can do is WAIT...wait and just BE!
I PRAY:
"I wait on you, Oh God! I wait for you to show your indescribable power because I know though this hard time, it's ALL ABOUT YOU!"
It's prayer time now, goodnight everyone! Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts!
"Where God closes one door, He will open another".
(Recap- David's doctor needed him to see the urologist before seeing the oncologist and the urologist recommended didn't have an appointment for ANOTHER week!)
David was NOT going to let another week go by, he wanted answers, he wanted this cancerous mass out of him and out of him NOW.
That same Monday, David called another urologist in the Lehigh Valley Hospital network instead of the Reading Hospital network. The doctor was able to see him Wednesday February 9th at 8am. AHH, that date felt much better for us!
On February 9th we got to the urologist early to fill out paper work. Once we were taken into the examination room, the nurse checked David's vitals and soon after the doctor entered. The urologists confidence gave me peace and his straight forward talk made me feel confident he knew what he was talking about.
The urologist told David/us everything about testicular cancer in a very "these are just the facts" type of way. But he told us, David must get another ultrasound, more blood work and he might as well get all the pre-admission testing. Though the urologist believed the ultrasound and lab results our primary care physician ordered, he wanted to see all the test results with his own eyes. Then the urologist informed us David was going into surgery Monday February 14th and all of David's testing was going to be ordered STAT. Which I honestly did not know what STAT meant. But apparently it meant THAT SAME DAY! Luckily I was going for a follow up appointment at the same location David needed to get all his testing. Wednesday ended up being a LONG exhausting day.
SAVING FACE:
After the long drawn out day, David and I were never happier to be home. If you know my husband personally, he is the type that attempts to hide his feelings but his feelings are written all over his face. I could tell he was nervous, stressed out and the events of the day have drained him, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. He looked deep in thought with no where to escape from those thoughts. I felt for him, wanted to cry for him, wanted to be angry for him but mostly I wanted to know the outcome so I could give him some kind of peace! But all we can do is WAIT...wait and just BE!
I PRAY:
"I wait on you, Oh God! I wait for you to show your indescribable power because I know though this hard time, it's ALL ABOUT YOU!"
It's prayer time now, goodnight everyone! Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Double Whammy
THE BIG NEWS:
My daughter's death came to a shock to EVERYONE! There was SO much anticipation for this newborn because it would be my first vaginal birth after two cesareans. Plus I was birthing at home and the excitement of everyone around me was like a drug. On January 16th 2011, Jubilee Eden was vaginally born STILL. I promise to blog about my home birth experience but let's get to the REAL point of this blog.
The day before my daughter's memorial, my husband mentioned his testicle was enlarged. He said he first noticed the enlargement 1-25-11. I suggested he should see the doctor on Monday (1-31-11). Sunday, January 30th 2011, came and went in a whirlwind. After the memorial, David and I did have the night alone, there was nothing to say or nothing to do but be still..be quiet and just BE! On Monday, David called the doctors office and got an appointment the same day. At first, David was skeptical of me going with him, but I stressed the importance of letting me "be there" for him. He agreed, though I do admit it was odd to be in the room with him while another woman touched my husband. But I was more nervous for him then anything. She ordered an ultrasound for him and told him the possibilities of the mass found in his testicle. He got the ultrasound the next day and the same day the doctor called us in with the results.
The night before David was suppose to get his ultrasound, I was praying. There was nothing more I could do, but pray. My specific prayer time with God has been more silent then usual. Since my daughter's death, I have been doing more of the talking and not too much listening. But this specific night it was different. God told me to get on my knees. I felt totally convicted! In all honesty, I haven't been praying for my husband like I used too because I was so engulfed with praying for the birth of baby Jubilee. Then after Jubilee's death, I was just praying for the strength to pull myself together for my living children and my husband. But, I did as God said, I knelt by the bedside of my husband and prayed. I had no clue what I was praying for but I knew I needed to pray. While I was praying the Lord revealed the ultrasound results and I had no clue why he would reveal the results and NOTHING else.
(Back to: after the ultrasound, the doctor called us in same day)
We got to the doctor's office right away and since I was still sore from birthing a child, I sat down right inside the door. I looked down and there was a Holy Bible (not even joking). I heard God (as clear as a bell) say "Pick it Up". In my mind all I could think about is "why is there a Holy Bible in this doctors office, did I never realize the Holy Bible's in other doctor's offices". I picked up the Bible and right away I turned to Psalm 27. If you want to know what Psalm 27 says, READ IT YOURSELF! I sat there in awe and attempted to get David to read it but the nurse called us in. The nurse checked David's vitals then left and the doctor soon popped in. She sat down and read the ultrasound results, "David, the ultrasound results show that you do have testicular cancer". As she explained what that meant, I couldn't help but break down. But I quickly pulled myself together. The doctor recommended that David should go down the hall and get blood work done right away and gave us the number for the oncologist.
As David got blood taken, I sat in the waiting room having a full on conversation with God. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know, why now. I wanted to know, why him. I wanted to know GOD would cover my husband and SAVE him. I knew my prayer by David's bedside that night would need to be a powerful one, I would be fighting for his life, I would be doing the warfare!
That night, I prayed my little heart out! NO satan you cannot have my husband. I prayed against anything my husband and I were ever exposed to spiritually. I broke him free from any family health issues, broke any word curses and prayed this word cancer would just leave David's body. Lastly, I prayed we would find the right doctors.
PHONE CALLS, TESTING, STRESS
Wednesday, February 2nd, David called the recommended oncologist, but because of the snow all their systems were down. The office promised they would call by Friday with an appointment. David waited as long as he could Friday for the oncologists office to call, but finally he called them (not happy btw). The office said they needed to get all the information faxed to them and they need to review it before they can see David. So David would have to wait until Monday to get an appointment. David's a patient man, but he was not happy to wait. But seriously, what person wants to wait after hearing the word cancer?!
Monday, February 7th came quickly after a MUCH needed weekend with friends and family! FINALLY the oncologist calls and schedules an appointment. Only two hours later does David find out he needs to see the urologist first and the one recommended scheduled his appointment for the NEXT Monday. David was NOT going to wait ANY MORE, he wanted to get into the urologist NOW.
That's enough for tonight, I'm exhausted, still need to pray and I have a special date at my love's bedside!
"Every prayer, long or short is heard and IS ENOUGH!"
My daughter's death came to a shock to EVERYONE! There was SO much anticipation for this newborn because it would be my first vaginal birth after two cesareans. Plus I was birthing at home and the excitement of everyone around me was like a drug. On January 16th 2011, Jubilee Eden was vaginally born STILL. I promise to blog about my home birth experience but let's get to the REAL point of this blog.
The day before my daughter's memorial, my husband mentioned his testicle was enlarged. He said he first noticed the enlargement 1-25-11. I suggested he should see the doctor on Monday (1-31-11). Sunday, January 30th 2011, came and went in a whirlwind. After the memorial, David and I did have the night alone, there was nothing to say or nothing to do but be still..be quiet and just BE! On Monday, David called the doctors office and got an appointment the same day. At first, David was skeptical of me going with him, but I stressed the importance of letting me "be there" for him. He agreed, though I do admit it was odd to be in the room with him while another woman touched my husband. But I was more nervous for him then anything. She ordered an ultrasound for him and told him the possibilities of the mass found in his testicle. He got the ultrasound the next day and the same day the doctor called us in with the results.
The night before David was suppose to get his ultrasound, I was praying. There was nothing more I could do, but pray. My specific prayer time with God has been more silent then usual. Since my daughter's death, I have been doing more of the talking and not too much listening. But this specific night it was different. God told me to get on my knees. I felt totally convicted! In all honesty, I haven't been praying for my husband like I used too because I was so engulfed with praying for the birth of baby Jubilee. Then after Jubilee's death, I was just praying for the strength to pull myself together for my living children and my husband. But, I did as God said, I knelt by the bedside of my husband and prayed. I had no clue what I was praying for but I knew I needed to pray. While I was praying the Lord revealed the ultrasound results and I had no clue why he would reveal the results and NOTHING else.
(Back to: after the ultrasound, the doctor called us in same day)
We got to the doctor's office right away and since I was still sore from birthing a child, I sat down right inside the door. I looked down and there was a Holy Bible (not even joking). I heard God (as clear as a bell) say "Pick it Up". In my mind all I could think about is "why is there a Holy Bible in this doctors office, did I never realize the Holy Bible's in other doctor's offices". I picked up the Bible and right away I turned to Psalm 27. If you want to know what Psalm 27 says, READ IT YOURSELF! I sat there in awe and attempted to get David to read it but the nurse called us in. The nurse checked David's vitals then left and the doctor soon popped in. She sat down and read the ultrasound results, "David, the ultrasound results show that you do have testicular cancer". As she explained what that meant, I couldn't help but break down. But I quickly pulled myself together. The doctor recommended that David should go down the hall and get blood work done right away and gave us the number for the oncologist.
As David got blood taken, I sat in the waiting room having a full on conversation with God. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know, why now. I wanted to know, why him. I wanted to know GOD would cover my husband and SAVE him. I knew my prayer by David's bedside that night would need to be a powerful one, I would be fighting for his life, I would be doing the warfare!
That night, I prayed my little heart out! NO satan you cannot have my husband. I prayed against anything my husband and I were ever exposed to spiritually. I broke him free from any family health issues, broke any word curses and prayed this word cancer would just leave David's body. Lastly, I prayed we would find the right doctors.
PHONE CALLS, TESTING, STRESS
Wednesday, February 2nd, David called the recommended oncologist, but because of the snow all their systems were down. The office promised they would call by Friday with an appointment. David waited as long as he could Friday for the oncologists office to call, but finally he called them (not happy btw). The office said they needed to get all the information faxed to them and they need to review it before they can see David. So David would have to wait until Monday to get an appointment. David's a patient man, but he was not happy to wait. But seriously, what person wants to wait after hearing the word cancer?!
Monday, February 7th came quickly after a MUCH needed weekend with friends and family! FINALLY the oncologist calls and schedules an appointment. Only two hours later does David find out he needs to see the urologist first and the one recommended scheduled his appointment for the NEXT Monday. David was NOT going to wait ANY MORE, he wanted to get into the urologist NOW.
That's enough for tonight, I'm exhausted, still need to pray and I have a special date at my love's bedside!
"Every prayer, long or short is heard and IS ENOUGH!"
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