"If I Just Smile"

"Smile" by Michael Bolton"


I didn't think it would hit so hard but Mother's Day really took a toll on me now that I'm looking back at it.  I had plenty of things going on this past week to keep my mind busy but I still found myself in a river full of tears in the most oddest of places. 

Sunday, I was going strong in the morning and got a little misty eyed during the service because some child cooed or cried or moved.  But it wasn't until we stopped by our home to pick up.  I needed to quickly grab the Mother's Day cards the kids made and use the facility.  While in the bathroom, I just lost it.  I remember how easy it was to birth my baby girl into the arms of God.  If I knew, exactly how everything was going to turn out, I wouldn't have been so hasty.  Even though she was already 2 weeks late.  I brushed my tears out of the way, sucked up the snot and told myself the pain will eventually cease.

Wednesday, David and I had some time to ourselves to clean up for my Mother's Day spa night.  We were aching for extra space for the exorbitant amount of stuff we have accumulated and decided to empty out the living room cabinet.  In the living room cabinet I had all of Jubilee's tiny cloth diapers (she would've NEVER fit in), everything for breastfeeding, and the first pregnancy test I took that had a BLARING positive!  As soon as I saw the pregnancy test the same emotion came over me as I had the night I first saw it.  I cried like a little baby because I was scared to see the positive test results but I didn't want it to go away.  Then David made a comment to try and stop me from crying more and I started to cry harder.  David and I were both in tears but the tears slow diminished after the box we placed the cloth diapers in was sealed.  Once again we smiled, sucked up the snot and told ourselves the pain will eventually cease.....(right?).

Friday night, I was just sitting here enjoying pictures of my babies on David's sister's facebook and the tears just start flowing.  I started wondering what type of personality did she have?  Was she as intuitive as her Mommy or as patient as her Daddy?  Would she be tall like her cousin Cait and her uncle Josh?  Or small and petite?  Was she going to be Daddy's girl or a Mommy's girl?  Would her hair curl, wave or be straight?  Would she laugh and be a happy baby like the rest of my children?  Just to see and feel for those few minutes was just not enough!!!

I MISS HER!  I would do anything to see her smile and to see her eyes light up whenever she saw me.  I would do anything to have her come back and make me miserably tired and miserably sore.  I would love to be able to hold her ALL night as she cried.  But most of all I would love to love her HERE and not from afar!

But until that day...I will just SMILE and enjoy my two little wonders here on Earth!  But Heaven will always have a huge chunk of my heart.