I spent our whole marriage trying to make David realize how important it is for our family to have him "step up" and lead our family. I spent years frustrated, angry and hurt by my husband. When I felt I needed him most, he busied himself with other stuff. When I needed him to stand up for me because I wasn't strong enough, he coward away leaving me all by myself. When I was hurt by something he did, he never owned up to his actions. I had built a strong safe harbor for all my anger and when he did the slightest thing wrong, I would LOSE it! Why couldn't he just understand? Why won't he listen? Why didn't he take me seriously? Why couldn't he step up and be the man of God I always saw within????!!!
After everything happened with Jubilee and with David, I really thought these situations would be life changing for him. I knew they were for me! I was so hurt and disappointed, when I didn't see the growth that I expected (keep in mind I said "I"). My anger just grew into resentment. I didn't understand! I pleaded for David to realize what he was doing to his family by not being the head of the household, but it just fueled anger in both of us. I do admit I didn't make it easy for him to be the head of the household (and my controlling spirit was a HUGE detriment). I'm a strong willed stubborn woman who has PLENTY to say, but the Lord has luckily quieted my spirited (not my VOICE) since the women's retreat.
March 27th 2011, I went into church in a frustrated mood. I just had enough! I just needed to press into the praise and I just needed to rest my mind in the Lord. During the praise (Open Up the Sky) God just sat me down. I heard Him say, "Take 30 days in prayer, praise and soaking. I want you to want ME! I want you to want Me more than the blessings that come from Me. Trust Me, I never disappoint!"
I continued to soak into that song, "Open up the sky, fall down like rain, we don't want blessings, we want you! Open up the sky fall down like fire, we don't want anything but YOU!" It became my heart's song the next thirty days.
So the next day, I spent an hour in serious prayer and praise. I had a such a release from whatever made me be sooo controlling. After a couple of days, I found my times with the Lord started becoming real intense home encounters. It was an insane experience and I have so much to share, but onto the post at hand.
I noticed a change of heart for my husband! Instead of telling him about the change I wanted to see in him. I STARTED to "be" the change, I wanted in our family. I took my rightful place as a wife, praying for my husband everyday, our marriage, our children, our household and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I have always prayed for everything before, but this time it was different! I changed my attitude toward my husband and silently forgave him for the hurt he caused me by not stepping up.
My husband had a desire to go to the Iron Sharpens Iron conference in Audubon. I really wasn't sure where we would get the extra money but God worked it out perfectly. The day of the conference my husband went straight there from work. At home, I had a chance to clean, catch up on chores and do a spiritual house cleaning as well. When David arrived at home, he was on FIRE! In my heart I was gleaming, I have waited for this day for a while. Once the babies went to bed, he told me everything about it. He apologized to me for any hurt he had caused over the years and more (I apologized as well). We sat and talked for a long time about how he was going to step up as the "head of the household" and we discussed the plan of execution thoroughly. I was floored!! I was speechless and that night I balled like a child.
I got on my knees once again and thanked the Lord for hearing my plea. I thanked Him for being so faithful and hearing the desire of my heart and wanting to fufill that desire! Since the conference I'm SOO proud to say....my husband listens to the Bible to and from work, read "Captivated", reads the "Bible stories for children" book to our babies every night, prays with/for the babies and I so beautifully, has a whole new appreciation for me, respects me, and he makes me feel like I'm the most gorgeous woman that has walked this Earth and has NO problem telling me! Also he has been doing great quitting smoking! Though God still has tons to strip away from us, we are willing to LET GO as a family!
I remember having a vision of David before we were dating. We went to see Relient K in concert at Elizabethtown with our youth group. He took my hand to get closer to the stage and in my mind's eye I saw David laying face down on the floor with the Bible in his hand and a note that read "YOU ARE IT!" I'm sad to admit this...but I started to doubt if he'd ever be the man of God I saw him to be. But, "NEVER underestimate my Jesus. Your telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you...YOUR WRONG!"
That's just a TASTE of what God did with me throughout my encounter with Him! It only gets better from here!
Time to go get to bed, but I want to leave you with this.....if you haven't already....go from being a pleading wife to a praying wife! Trust ME it's life changing!
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