"You're Still The ONE!!" -ST

HE IS:

My burning desire

My best friend

The man of my dreams

The one I want there in the end

My fighting warrior

My shining knight

The man I prayed for

Worth the fight

The king of our household

A great father of two

My husband and lover

Why I said, "I DO"

by CJKW 7-7-2011

Today FOUR years ago (July, 7th 2007) I married the most perfect man for ME.  Never in my mind, did I imagine my life turning out this way.  But through everything we learned to love harder in a world that teaches us to "love easy."  "Easy come, easy go!"

Though David and I have only been together for a short amount of time, the greatest advice I can give at this point, is to NEVER give up on your spouse.  If you loved them enough to marry them, you love them enough to LOVE HARDER!!  Also, I learned my identity isn't in my children or my husband.  My identity is in the Lord.  People will always fail you (one way or another), no matter who they are.  But the Lord has a love far greater then we can imagine!

HAPPY FOURTH ANNIVERSARY DAVID...UNTIL FOREVER!!!

----> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep David and I in your prayers today (7-7-2011).  Something big may happen and we need all the good thoughts and prayers we can!  Thank you in advance and love you all for all your love and support!

When Purity Stops at 'I DO'

Each person has their own convictions, this is the story of mine.  If your "offended" go to God!  But before I get into the controversial topic, just a quick update:

Busy, busy, busy has been the theme here at the Wilson household this past weekend.  We had a weekend of break through's, blessings and family!

This past weekend, David and I were able to attend a church event where Dale and LuAnn Mast were the speakers.  There were three different sessions and we were only planning to go to one.  Since it was David's weekend to work, I didn't think he would have the energy to attend, but God got us to ALL THREE!  Looking back there was one major thing we got out of each session.  I'm so glad we didn't listen to our flesh and went with our initial instinct that "God has something important for us".  I will tell you, if we didn't go, we wouldn't have had the BREAK THROUGH we did on Tuesday!  But you'll have to read about that one on a later date!

______________________________________________________________

WHEN PURITY STOPS AT 'I DO'

During my prayer, praise and soaking God really hit me with something I struggled with all my life.  MY BODY!  When I was becoming a teen, my pediatric doctor (female by the way) told me how perfect my body was becoming and how I had body measurements women can only dream about.  Little did she know, those comments would have a huge affect on my life, in SO many ways.  I struggled for sooo many years with my body.  But not only was the struggle with my body image but the way I presented my body! 

This is what started my healing:

About a month ago a friend of mind publicly asked her friend's about bathing suits.  The question was along the lines of...what are your opinion's about two piece bathing suits.  Let me tell you, I would be the FIRST to say, "honey if you have the body, please wear a bikini for those who can't!  Because if I had a body like your's, I'd be wearing a bikini as well!"  But this time my heart changed.  My first reaction was DON'T, there are sick men out there who get off on your body.  Which isn't a lie, but that wasn't the only reason I wanted to say no it's not appropiate.

Once upon a time I did have the body to wear the beautiful Victoria Secret crocheted gold bikini I so desparately wanted to wear again this summer.  But what happened to that desparity I once had to wear a bikini?  Did it disappear because of my weight?  I sat down and stewed in my battling spirit.  I haven't fought my flesh like this in a long time.  Honestly this battle really hurt but it's one that would SET ME FREE!!

The Lord flew me on the ground in anger and tears.  We had a conversation like I never experienced with the Lord before (one I'll remember forever):

Me:  Most women wear bikinis and some wear clothing that's even worse.  Men have an issue if women are fully covered up!
God: That's not the point. 
Me:  I don't understand why this is even a question, bikinis just got a bad name from jealous women who can't wear bikini's.  I won't become one of "those" women.
God:  Not the point, Christa.  Is that how you feel about yourself?  Jealous?
Me:  I'm not happy with my body but that's nothing a LOT of exercise can't change.
God:  How would it make you feel if you could wear a bikini?
Me:  I can show off my wonderful body once again.
God:  So, you would be proud of showing something I made sacred between your husband and you?
Me:  But we are married, I can show it off.  PLUS, David can finally be proud to show off his "hot" wife...well once I lost weight.
God:  What is your need to show your body to "everyone else"?  Do you not honor your husband or Me?  Do you not cherish yourself?  How is your attitude going to affect your children?
Me:......hmmm, what does a bikini have ANYTHING to do with this?
God:  It has NOTHING to do with a bikini it has EVERYTHING to do with how you see yourself Christa.  I want you to see yourself, like I see you!  Your worth so much more than just your body.  There's nothing wrong with looking nice and there's nothing wrong with having a healthy slim body.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with looking sexy for your husband, in the right setting.  But how do you expect to honor Me, your husband and yourself, if your showing everything off to "everyone" else?  First of all, you're suppose to honor Me with your body and if your distracting men and even women with your body, your keeping their focus on you and not ME.  Second of all, your husband should cherish you soooo much, he wants YOU and all of YOU for himself.  No one else should be seeing or thinking of your body the way your husband does. 
Me:  Well I can't help what other's are thinking.
God:  No, but to make a battle worse for someone else because of your ignorance, doesn't make you a better person.  For example, what if David looked at porn, is that ok with you?  Does that honor you?
Me:  No
God:  Because?
Me:  Because he is mentally having an affair with those women. 
God:  EXACTLY, his sexual thoughts should be for you, your his wife.  You are deserving of his love, his sensual thoughts and so much more!  And even though you can't control other people's thoughts, you can control what you do and what you wear.  Your honoring your sister's in Christ by gaurding their husband's/future husband's heart and mind.  What example would you be setting for Trinity or even Dawson?
Me:  I would be telling Trinity it would be ok to dishonor other's through the way she dresses and it's ok for her to be dishonored as well.  I would be telling Dawson it's ok to look at women in a disrepectful manner, which could cause huge honor issues late in life.
God:  Don't you think your child deserves to be honored and respected?
Me: Of course!
God:  That's how I think of all of my children! 

Our conversation hit my like a tsunami!  How did I let something SO superficial come before God?  I always struggle with how I presented my body.  I had many motto's, one was, "If you have it flaunt it!"  But I have learned I've been wrong for a long time!  I have learned there's a fine line between wanting to loose weight to be sexy for others and losing weight to be healthy.  I learned when I do lose all my weight, my desire is to be sexy for my husband...not ANYONE else!  But my ultimate desire is to be CUT FREE from the cookie cutter life and be a monumental wife!!  When I die, I want to leave a legacy for my daughter(s) of honor, purity, respect, love and all those other fuzzy words. 

What do you choose to leave behind for your children??

1 Corinthians 6: 19-20
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body."

"If I Just Smile"

"Smile" by Michael Bolton"


I didn't think it would hit so hard but Mother's Day really took a toll on me now that I'm looking back at it.  I had plenty of things going on this past week to keep my mind busy but I still found myself in a river full of tears in the most oddest of places. 

Sunday, I was going strong in the morning and got a little misty eyed during the service because some child cooed or cried or moved.  But it wasn't until we stopped by our home to pick up.  I needed to quickly grab the Mother's Day cards the kids made and use the facility.  While in the bathroom, I just lost it.  I remember how easy it was to birth my baby girl into the arms of God.  If I knew, exactly how everything was going to turn out, I wouldn't have been so hasty.  Even though she was already 2 weeks late.  I brushed my tears out of the way, sucked up the snot and told myself the pain will eventually cease.

Wednesday, David and I had some time to ourselves to clean up for my Mother's Day spa night.  We were aching for extra space for the exorbitant amount of stuff we have accumulated and decided to empty out the living room cabinet.  In the living room cabinet I had all of Jubilee's tiny cloth diapers (she would've NEVER fit in), everything for breastfeeding, and the first pregnancy test I took that had a BLARING positive!  As soon as I saw the pregnancy test the same emotion came over me as I had the night I first saw it.  I cried like a little baby because I was scared to see the positive test results but I didn't want it to go away.  Then David made a comment to try and stop me from crying more and I started to cry harder.  David and I were both in tears but the tears slow diminished after the box we placed the cloth diapers in was sealed.  Once again we smiled, sucked up the snot and told ourselves the pain will eventually cease.....(right?).

Friday night, I was just sitting here enjoying pictures of my babies on David's sister's facebook and the tears just start flowing.  I started wondering what type of personality did she have?  Was she as intuitive as her Mommy or as patient as her Daddy?  Would she be tall like her cousin Cait and her uncle Josh?  Or small and petite?  Was she going to be Daddy's girl or a Mommy's girl?  Would her hair curl, wave or be straight?  Would she laugh and be a happy baby like the rest of my children?  Just to see and feel for those few minutes was just not enough!!!

I MISS HER!  I would do anything to see her smile and to see her eyes light up whenever she saw me.  I would do anything to have her come back and make me miserably tired and miserably sore.  I would love to be able to hold her ALL night as she cried.  But most of all I would love to love her HERE and not from afar!

But until that day...I will just SMILE and enjoy my two little wonders here on Earth!  But Heaven will always have a huge chunk of my heart.

Going From Pleading to Praying

I spent our whole marriage trying to make David realize how important it is for our family to have him "step up" and lead our family.  I spent years frustrated, angry and hurt by my husband.  When I felt I needed him most, he busied himself with other stuff.  When I needed him to stand up for me because I wasn't strong enough, he coward away leaving me all by myself.  When I was hurt by something he did, he never owned up to his actions.  I had built a strong safe harbor for all my anger and when he did the slightest thing wrong, I would LOSE it!  Why couldn't he just understand?  Why won't he listen?  Why didn't he take me seriously?  Why couldn't he step up and be the man of God I always saw within????!!!

After everything happened with Jubilee and with David, I really thought these situations would be life changing for him.  I knew they were for me!  I was so hurt and disappointed, when I didn't see the growth that I expected (keep in mind I said "I").  My anger just grew into resentment.  I didn't understand!  I pleaded for David to realize what he was doing to his family by not being the head of the household, but it just fueled anger in both of us.  I do admit I didn't make it easy for him to be the head of the household (and my controlling spirit was a HUGE detriment).  I'm a strong willed stubborn woman who has PLENTY to say, but the Lord has luckily quieted my spirited (not my VOICE) since the women's retreat.

March 27th 2011, I went into church in a frustrated mood.  I just had enough!  I just needed to press into the praise and I just needed to rest my mind in the Lord.  During the praise (Open Up the Sky) God just sat me down.  I heard Him say, "Take 30 days in prayer, praise and soaking.  I want you to want ME!  I want you to want Me more than the blessings that come from Me.  Trust Me, I never disappoint!"
I continued to soak into that song, "Open up the sky, fall down like rain, we don't want blessings, we want you!  Open up the sky fall down like fire, we don't want anything but YOU!"  It became my heart's song the next thirty days. 

So the next day, I spent an hour in serious prayer and praise.  I had a such a release from whatever made me be sooo controlling.  After a couple of days, I found my times with the Lord started becoming real intense home encounters.  It was an insane experience and I have so much to share, but onto the post at hand.

I noticed a change of heart for my husband!  Instead of telling him about the change I wanted to see in him.  I STARTED to "be" the change, I wanted in our family.  I took my rightful place as a wife, praying for my husband everyday, our marriage, our children, our household and so on and so forth.  Don't get me wrong, I have always prayed for everything before, but this time it was different!  I changed my attitude toward my husband and silently forgave him for the hurt he caused me by not stepping up.

My husband had a desire to go to the Iron Sharpens Iron conference in Audubon.  I really wasn't sure where we would get the extra money but God worked it out perfectly.  The day of the conference my husband went straight there from work.  At home, I had a chance to clean, catch up on chores and do a spiritual house cleaning as well.  When David arrived at home, he was on FIRE!  In my heart I was gleaming, I have waited for this day for a while.  Once the babies went to bed, he told me everything about it.  He apologized to me for any hurt he had caused over the years and more (I apologized as well).  We sat and talked for a long time about how he was going to step up as the "head of the household" and we discussed the plan of execution thoroughly.  I was floored!!  I was speechless and that night I balled like a child.

I got on my knees once again and thanked the Lord for hearing my plea.  I thanked Him for being so faithful and hearing the desire of my heart and wanting to fufill that desire!  Since the conference I'm SOO proud to say....my husband listens to the Bible to and from work, read "Captivated", reads the "Bible stories for children" book to our babies every night, prays with/for the babies and I so beautifully, has a whole new appreciation for me, respects me, and he makes me feel like I'm the most gorgeous woman that has walked this Earth and has NO problem telling me!  Also he has been doing great quitting smoking!  Though God still has tons to strip away from us, we are willing to LET GO as a family!

I remember having a vision of David before we were dating.  We went to see Relient K in concert at Elizabethtown with our youth group.  He took my hand to get closer to the stage and in my mind's eye I saw David laying face down on the floor with the Bible in his hand and a note that read "YOU ARE IT!"  I'm sad to admit this...but I started to doubt if he'd ever be the man of God I saw him to be.  But, "NEVER underestimate my Jesus.  Your telling me that there's no hope.  I'm telling you...YOUR WRONG!"

That's just a TASTE of what God did with me throughout my encounter with Him!  It only gets better from here!

Time to go get to bed, but I want to leave you with this.....if you haven't already....go from being a pleading wife to a praying wife!  Trust ME it's life changing!

Picking up the pieces

Ahhh!  How nice it is to be back blogging again.  I decided to take a leave for a late lent/30 day prayer, praise and soaking in the Lord's presence.  It was a fabulous repreve and I have AMAZING testimonies from my time away, but I have plenty of time to share later.

A MILLION PIECES LATER

Picking up the billions of piece of my broken heart is becoming tedious.  Many people told me I will deal with Jubilee's death in waves and they weren't kidding.  I have days where I feel like I can move the world with what I have gained from this experience.  But most days I go through an amusement park of emotions.

At the end of the day I feel so incredibly blessed.  Though the time I had with her on Earth was devastatingly short, I still got to hold her for 10 months ;).  I got to feel her and I got to communicate with her when we had our quiet times together.  I was the one who got to spend the most time with her and I'm so incredibly grateful.

With Mother's Day quickly approaching, I'll find it hard to not feel blessed.  But it sure won't stop me from hurting because all THREE of my babies won't be celebrating with me.

Stay tuned for some incredible testimonies from the pass month and a half or so!  Time for a little prayer, praise and soaking, then off to bed, off to bed.....

Pawn to QUEEN

After a month of trials and a month to recover we are back to something that resembles normalcy.  Two months!  I can't believe it has been two months and a month in a half since my husband diagnosis. 

With a precious face permanently ingrained in my mind's eye and the compassion I felt for my dearest husband when he found out his news in my heart.  I'm glad this part of life has passed.  But I'm not sorry for what it has taught me. 

I had the choice to fall apart and lose myself in the sorrow and pity.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to down play the still healing wound it has left on my heart.  BUT the choice to live or die (to the situation) wasn't easy.  To live, I had to fully lean on and trust that He knew I would one day feel what it would be like to truly smile and live again.  Though I haven't fully gotten there yet, my time at a recent Christian women's retreat has given me such peace.


THE PAWN

"With every battle comes authority"

Anne Stock from Life Center in Harrisburg, PA had a message that spoke right to my heart.  In the game chess there is a piece called the pawn.  The first move the pawn can take is a two space move, but after the first initial move the pawn can only move one space at a time.  If the pawn gets offended (captured), the pawn is wiped off the board.  BUT, if the pawn is played correctly and gets to the other side of the board the pawn becomes QUEEN!  I honestly have no clue how to play chess, but you get the picture. 

I'm THAT pawn, trying to get to the other side without getting WIPED off the board.  I have to fully rely on my King to guide me to become the queen I always dreamed of being.  And with every battle won, I gain more authority in His kingdom!  (Hahaha EAT THAT SATAN!  I KNOW YOU didn't think I would get it.  I could hear YOU trying to whisper bitter curses in my ear.  BUT HA, take them back to the pits of hell where they and YOU belong!!) 

My victories in my life are in MY KING!

During the retreat, one of the three speakers came over to me and asked if she could pray for me (while reading this, please note she had no clue, at first, what was going on in my life).  She placed her hand on my heart and told me I didn't have to "stay strong" any more.  She prayed my broken heart would mend.  She told me whatever had happen to me God knew I was just doing what I thought was best.  She prayed everything would be restored...DOUBLE, DOUBLE, DOUBLE (which if you know me, I definitely got a little giggle out of it)!!  She than looked at me and said, I see three child en surrounding you (ok for those who don't believe in prophetic, please don't bash me because I DO, with caution of course).  She prayed a little bit more, than looked at me again and asked if I was with child.  Then I told her I lost a baby in January and she was like OH that's what that is.  She prayed and told me it was ok to question the Lord.  In the end she look at me right in the eye and told me not to worry because I will have more healthy LIVING babies. 

I cried and cried hard.  God knew how much I needed to cry and be comforted by Him.  Though I knew in my heart I would be pregnant again, the confirmation God gave me made my heart smile.  Jubilee will NEVER be replaced, but what was taken from me will be restored...DOUBLE!!  Haha and NO that doesn't necessarily mean we'll have twins, so don't go jumping out of your seats...yet. 

At the end of the retreat the speakers handed out ribbons of Bible verses.  The prayed over each Bible verse, that the right verse would go to the right woman.  This was my verse:

2 Timothy 2:4-7 (NKJV)

  "No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.  And also if anyone competes in athletics, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules.  The hardworking farmer must be first to partake of the crops.  Consider what I say, and may the Lord give you understanding in all things."


There's a Place For Us by Carrie Underwood

There’s a place out there for us,
more than just a prayer or anything we ever dreamed of.
So if you feel like giving up cause you don’t fit in down here,
fear is crashing in, close your eyes and take my hand.

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough
there’s a place for us, there’s a place for us.

Where the water meets the sky,
where your heart is free and hope comes back to life,
when these broken hands are whole again,
we will find what we’ve been waiting for,we were made for so much more
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough,
yes there’s a place for us, now there’s a place for us

So hold on, now hold on,
there’s a place for us

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough, exactly who we are is just enough,
there’s a place for us.

Picture This

As I wait for my placenta to expel itself, I see my husband slowly walk through the crowd of nurses and doctors.  In his arms is a frail lifeless beauty.  With tears streaming down his face he whispers, "what do we name her?"  Nearly lifeless myself I managed to say, "Though this is an awful event, she is worth celebrating.  Let's name her Jubilee Eden."  He continues to cry and holds Jubilee close to his heart as he follows the doctors, nurses, and his struggling wife to the next destination in the hospital.

Through my screams and horrid pain, I manage to look to my left.  I see a broken and devastated father holding his once active baby girl.  I felt his utter devastation but my body was dead to any emotion.  I couldn't manage to cry a tear, which broke my heart even more.  Once the doctors stitched me up and figured they put me through enough torture for one night, I finally had a chance to hold Jubilee.  I held her close and smelled a fragrant smell only a mother could appreciate.  But not even then could my morphine'd and numb body conjure up any feeling, even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces.  The next morning would be the last time we could handle holding her lifeless body.  We didn't want our memories to be filled with the look of death, but with the hope of eternity.

My Dearest Jubilee,

   How I long for this nightmare to end and to finally have you resting in my arms once again.  I know, to be on this Earth is only temporary.  But to wait so long to touch you again and see your face, is more like an evil torture!
   This house that was once full of anticipation of your beautiful arrival, is now full of this certain emptiness only God can now fulfill.  A gorgeous bassinet I searched the internet for months for is now full of what are now distant memories.  Picture frames that were suppose to have years full of photos of you will continue to only have one.  Cloth diapers that I knew in my heart would be WAY to small will continue to collect dust in the cabinet.  The plethora of clothes a beautiful hearted woman gave us for you will continue to be boxed up until I can stand looking at them again.  A beautiful snowflake wrap I longed to hold you in the first part of your fragile life, is thrown under the bassinet with no purpose anymore.  Arms and hearts your warmth was suppose to fill are now cold and broken. 
   We all will heal with time, but we will never forget you and what you have done for us.  Daddy and Mommy promise to walk out our God given destiny here on Earth and we'll be there in heaven with you one sweet day.  May you have fun playing with God, your Great Grandparents, and all your friends in the mean time.  I love you forever, my baby you'll be!

Love,
  MOMMY

Here on Earth

It has been a while!  Between taking care of David and the babies, celebrating family birthday's, sick babies and being sick myself.  I haven't been able to sit down and think, except for tonight.

It's 4:15 AM and I just finished watching a movie about a young boy that dies in a car accident.  The plot of the movie was mainly about the grieving process of each family member.  The mother of this young boy grieved by needing to know all the details of her son's death.  She questions whether or not he suffered, if he was scared and called out for her.  She cringed at the thought of her son suffering and she couldn't comfort him.  The father didn't even want to talk about his son after his death.  He ignored the fact his son was dead or even that his son was alive at one point.  In the end, the father admitted his behavior was because he couldn't save his son from the car accident.  The brother of the young boy drowned himself in drugs because he felt guilty that his older brother would drop the world for him but he couldn't even get out of bed to say goodbye the night his brother died.  This movie made me think about my own grieving process.

Not to long ago a good friend of mine asked me, when do I hurt the most.  Many have already assumed that seeing or holding a baby or seeing (hearing about) someone pregnant would bother me.  Honestly neither one bothers me, not even the slightest bit.  I hurt the most when I'm alone or feel lonely.  When I'm lonely, I feel that emptiness.  I was suppose to be holding our baby girl, breastfeeding her, enjoying those late nights with her and loving her.  Having another person's child in my arms does not trigger any of those feelings, it's only when I'm alone and thinking or just lonely.  Then the days I miss Jubilee the most is when I see sisters interacting with each other (more so in sitcom's then real life).  Seing sisters make me wonder how Jubilee and Trinity would've interacted with each other.  I wonder if they would've been best friend's or not have that much in common.  But really, I feel like I'm dealing with everything well.  I don't care to continue talking about the situation with people.  I talked about it for two weeks straight and I really don't want to talk about my feelings with a counselor or therapist.  I know I can talk to my pastor's and friend's, but my real outlet is writing.  I'm not the best writer but it BEATS telling everyone twenty times!

Our calling as parents is to guide our children to God and hope we will spend forever with them in heaven.  Though David and I aren't thrilled about not having time on Earth with Jubilee, we already know we will be spending eternity with her.  Now, our focus is on our children here on Earth.  David and I definitely plan on having more children at some point (year or TWO).  We really aren't concerned about HOW we are having more children because we have such a heart for adoption.  So if God didn't allow us to conceive we wouldn't be disappointed.

"I am designed by God and He has the perfect plan designed for ME!"

I need to pray and TRY to get to sleep before the little ones need to wake up.  Today is going to be rough!!

A Time to HEAL

HEALED

David had his follow-up appointment today.

David's appointment at the urologist went absolutely swimmingly!  The doctor told us all the testing looks normal and just taking out the testicle could be the ending of this nightmare.  But David will be closely watched for the next two years in case of reoccurence.  WHICH WON'T HAPPEN!  We serve the Doctor above all doctors, the one true HEALER!  Praise the Lord for the AMAZING news, but I will continue to pray for my husband!

I'm exhausted from getting up so early this morning.  I'm off to pray and get a GOOD NIGHT SLEEP for the first time in a LONG time!  Thank you for ALL of your prayers!

UNIQUE

SNOWFALL

Today ended up being a beautiful day here on the east coast, considering the snow shower EARLY this morning.  After the sunny warm day we had this weekend, I was hoping for more warmth.  But I really have an appreciation for snow.  Though it does make for a very cold day, I love the beauty snow creates.

Once I found out Jubilee was a girl, I decided to make the theme of her nursery "snowflakes."  God makes each and every snowflake unique.  When the light hits the snow, the bright white snow sparkles, glimmers and radiates a rainbow of color.  The snow blankets the ground and covers the tree with a delicate beauty only God can paint on His canvas.  I knew Jubliee would be a very unique baby, even though she did not carry out her life here on Earth.  She will continue to carry out her life and destiny in heaven.  She had a special purpose and she doesn't have to be present on Earth to fufill that purpose!

ALL THE TIME

God is GOOD ALL THE TIME!  He has provided all our NEEDS and we are so thankful to our church family for blessing us!!  Each person cared for us in different ways and we are speechless by the love shown by everyone.  Thank you HCFT for showing us how the body of Christ truly works and we hope that one day we can bless all of you like you have blessed us!

PRAY

David has an early doctors appointment tomorrow.  We will find out all the test results and the biopsy results tomorrow.  Pray his test results are free and clear! 

My husband is waking up from a nice afternoon nap.  He definitely needed it since he got up at the CRACK of dawn this morning.  So I better get dinner ready.  Thank you all for your support, love and prayers! 

OVERWHELMED

STRESS
David and I have been stressing out about finding out the test results Wednesday.  Though we've had many hours together, we really haven't had a good talk about all of our current feelings.  But in the midst of all this stress we've been feeling, our babies were due back home.  I was so excited to have Trinity home, I told David we should have Dawson back home too.  Dawson wasn't due back until Sunday.  We missed our babies SO much, we wanted both of them home!  David's mother dropped Dawson off and we were all home as a family.

Shortly after Dawson arrived, David started getting overhelmed with the babies being home.  He was trying to sleep and the babies just wanted to play and spend quality time with us.  I was trying to make dinner and David had trouble controlling the babies without getting frustrated.  We soon realized having the children home was too overwhelming for the both of us.  We were dealing with something FAR too underlying and our feelings were coming out in frustrations.

David mentioned we should give ourselves more time and call his parents.  Though I knew I was stressed out by more than just my children being around, I started to ball my eyes out.  I started to question my ability to be a mother.  Every normal mother could take care of their children and their injured/sick husband, why couldn't I?  Why was I such a failure?!

After the children were gone David knew we need time together to just talk.  We decided to take a evening drive and just talk out all of our feelings.

We are feeling competely overwhelmed to say the least!  The anxious wait to find out the test results is driving us completely to the nut house.  Though we believe David can fully be healed, WHAT IF?!  Also the financial strain this year has brought, has brought us humbly to our knees.  Though our insurance is fabulous, we still didn't anticipate all the different co-pays for the doctor's visits and prescriptions (for the both of us).  We still have no clue how we are going to afford our heating bill, electric bill, gas, and food!  We know God will take care of us and provide ALL of our needs, but we can't help but be worried.  But most of all we worry about our spiritual relationship.  Do we doubt God too much that he won't bless us?  Will He not allow healing if we doubt He can heal?  We are stronger and more closer then God ever, but will our human doubt be the demise of us?  Oh Lord please have mercy and forgive us!

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!"

I better get to bed, we have church in the early morning and I still have to pray!  Please keep David and I in your prayers, today was definitely a rough day. 

What is Love?

INTERPRETATION

Each and every one of us loves differently and interprets love differently.  Have you ever read the book "Love Languages?"  If not I truly recommend it.  I remember my parents reading the book in their Sunday school class when I was younger.  But honestly I never understood what the book was explaining until I was married and had children.

I've learned by reading the book, I show love with time and gifts.  I love spending one on one time with my husband, children, family and friends.  I can really listen to them and give them all of my attention.  I also love giving gifts.  My heart wants to give gifts to everyone I meet, but my wallet doesn't allow me to bless others YET.  I notice when I talk to others, I remember the small things they say they need or want.  I love buying those things for them because it shows them, I love them enough to remember.  The way I show my love is exactly how I like to receive love and for the same reasons too.

My husband shows love with his actions and words.  He never hesitates to say, "I love you!"  He is always willing to serve those without grumbling or hesitating (most the time).  The way he shows love is exactly how he likes to receive love.  But I only knew how to love David the way I wanted to, not the way he NEEDED to be loved.

Before David and I understood love languages we were a mess.  I had no clue why I had to tell him I loved him, when I was there with him and spending time with him.  I didn't understand whenever I didn't feel like doing something FOR him, he felt slighted and unloved.  David struggled in the same way.  He didn't understand that even though we spent all day together with the children, watching tv or a movie and in the same house...why I still felt alone.  He didn't understand why I felt slighted and neglected when he would go fishing for 8 hours at a time.  We both did not understand each others love language and it was destroying us.

Once we understood what each other's (and our kids) love languages were, we were able to feel fufilled.  There was no more MISUNDERSTANDING and satan couldn't destroy the beautiful marriage we had!  David has learned I need time just with him to just talk, love and cuddle.  I have learned I need to tell David how much I love him and show him with my actions by doing things for him without grumbling or rolling my eyes.  All of this understanding has opened a door of communication David and I have FIREPROOF'd our marriage with (which Fireproof is another AMAZING movie). 

We are still learning a lot about each other.  We aren't the perfect couple by any means and we don't have the solutions for all the marital problems in the world.  But we KNOW for a fact that we love each other.  We also know for a fact that all the work it takes to make our marriage tick is WORTH IT!

"If you aren't willing to break down the walls built around your heart, how can anyone truly love you?"

All my chores are done, I just need to spend some time with the Lord and pray by my husbands bedside.  Continue to keep David in your prayers!!

I'M...OUT OF IT!

My husband found a love for our new laptop.  So, if I don't blog as often, my husband or my children are at fault.  Tonight it's my husband's fault I'm only going to blog a small message.  But to spend time with him, wait on him and let him use my computer is worth it. 

David and I have been getting up ridiculously early.  I love sleeping in but David has never been one to sleep in, he was always up at the break of dawn.  Early in our marriage, his "early-to-rise" attitude never bothered me.  But I have become a very light sleeper and once I'm awake, I have the worst time getting back to sleep. 

I am now on a "regular" sleep schedule and I'm not thrilled about being tired at 12 A.M.  I loved having energy at night to clean, play on the computer and have quiet time with myself.  So hopefully my sleep schedule will change soon because I'm not to sure how much I can take. 

I honestly don't wake up early...under normal standards.  But 9 A.M. is way too early for me!  I do not function correctly until 11 A.M. earliest.  I know it's unbelieveable but I love the night and everything it has to offer.  The night offers down time with my babies, quiet when the babies go to bed, fun with friends, cuddles with the hubby and quality time with God.

So I am feel a little bit...out-of-sorts being off of my normal schedule.  Excuse me (in advance), if my blogs are lacking, short, or do not make sense (like this one lol)!

KEEP PRAYING!!  David got the rest of his testing today and we are believing all the testing will show NO MORE ISSUES!!

My Angel

LONG MONTH

I can't believe it's already been a month.  This whole month seemed to go SO slow but incredilbly fast all at the same time.  My much anticipated homebirth after 2 c-sections is a beautiful story with an unfortunate ending.  This isn't the long version of Jubilee's birth story, but this is all I can handle!

OVERDUE

My ESTIMATED due date, January 2nd 2011 came and went.  I knew in my heart my baby's loved my warm squishy home I gave them, so it didn't surprise me when I past my due date.  After a week I really started getting anxious, I was really starting to get SICK of being pregnant, but I promised myself I would wait for God's perfect timing.  On January 10th I scheduled a bio-physical profile.  I was really upset my baby girl had no desire to come out and meet her family.  I prayed she would come before the bio-physical profile and NO lie, 4 A.M. Thursday morning I started having contractions and bloody show.  I was absolutely thrilled to have regular contractions.  But I was completely heart broken later in the day, when the contractions decided to stop.  This off and on continued until January 15th around 4am when they became a little more "regular."  Regular and intense enough I couldn't sleep or take a nap.

JANUARY 16th

Sunday in the early morning, I was still up but this time the pain was more intense.  I couldn't get comfortable during the contractions and I was starting to become really irritated due to the fact I couldn't sleep.  Around 4 A.M. David thought it would be good to relax in the tub.  He filled the tub with warm glorious water and when I got into the water, I had INSTANT relief!  I saw on different posts for "labor management," water was nature's epidural.  Boy, we're they right!  After a couple of hours of intense contractions David called our midwife Jen.  IT WAS TIME!  But soon after he called my contractions didn't feel as intense and honestly I felt as if they STOPPED!

All my birth support ladies showed up and I felt so dumb we asked them to come because my contractions were less intense.  But when Jen checked me around 8 A.M., I was already PAST transition!  I was 6 cm!!  It was the most accomplished feeling.  I decided we should call my mommy, David's mother and his sister.  Shortly after the call everyone was there, I knew for sure I wanted there during our baby girl's arrival.

Everyone was getting hungry and started ordering Subway for lunch.  Jen wanted to check my progress before everyone got distracted with lunch.  I was 9cm!  I was thru the roof, I couldn't believe I got to 9 cm without any agonizing pain!  I was so thankful to God for such a beautiful labor.

Jen had me walk around after lunch to get everything moving but I had absolutely no urge to push.  At this point I was just irritable and exhausted.  I got back into the tub for a while but I was just not into it.  I needed sleep so I took a NAP!!  It wasn't easy to take a nap because the contractions would wake me up every minute.  But I was so incredibly tired, when I "woke" up from my nap, I was refreshed and ready to push.

I headed downstairs with everyone and told Jen I felt ready to start pushing.  I felt like I was pushing forever and I wasn't getting any where.  But what seemed like FOREVER later and MANY pushing positions later, Jen urged me to see our baby girl's head popping out as I pushed.  She was intent on me to seeing the progress I was making, though I had no desire to LOOK down there (lol). 

I would continue but since Jubilee's birth is under investigation (just like any death), I cannot go into the details of her actual arrival.

But Jubilee's delivery was EASY!  After hearing things like..."just push through the ring of fire!"  I was really nervous about delivering a child for the first time.  I thought Jubilee was small because I hardly felt ANY pain during her delivery.  I did feel a little bit of burning but it last only a couple of seconds until I pushed again.  I felt so blessed to have a birth so beautiful!

IN HIS ARMS

My birth experience was INCREDIBLE!  Though I wish I could give you an ending filled with little baby coos and tiny baby cries, I cant.  It breaks my heart I can't share one month pictures of my beautiful little girl.  But Jubilee Eden is being well taken care of by our Saviour!  She is now waiting for us in heaven and I pray we can introduce each and every one of you to our angel one sweet day.


"He is all I have, when I feel I lost everything!"

Handle with Care

LONG DAY

I am exhausted!  But my poor husband is sitting across from me in tons of pain BUT in great spirits. 

David, his father Mike and I got to the hospital at 10:30am today and David went into pre-op.  He got prepped for his short surgery and he looked so cute in his hospital booties and gown.  We waited for a while until the Doctor came in and marked the side where he was getting surgery.  His father and I prayed over David, then I watched me husband walk away.  I'm so happy Mike was there because if I was left alone with my own thoughts the day would've been a lot more draining. 

Mike and I headed out to the waiting room while David was in surgery.  It was great to sit, talk and spend quality time with my father in-law.  The nurse came and got us once David was in recovery.  The nurse scared me when they said they had trouble waking David up.  Once I saw David I knew it wasn't because there was anything wrong, he was just groggy from all the anesthesia.  It took him a while to get himself together enough to be able to pee.  It's amazing a simple task like peeing can be so hard to do after surgery.  But the nurses were happy with the little he was able to supply.

I was so happy to be home tonight and be able to focus on taking care of the man who took care of me through 3 pregnancies and two babies!  To finally become the caregiver gave me so much joy.  Of course I hate to see him in pain and it's very exhausting emotionally.  But to be able to show the love I have for my husband through my actions makes me feel like I'm truly doing my job as a wife!

KEEP praying, we will find out the results of the biopsy, cat scan and other tests Wednesday February 23rd!  We are praying for a CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH!!

"The Lord died for us so we may be free of ALL disease and pain!"

Worthy

COMMUNICATING WORTH

The theme of Pastor Anita's sermon today was "communicating worth."  It was exactly what I needed to hear and it was like a breath of fresh air.

"There is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1

Anyone get a chance to see The Passion of the Christ?  The most powerful moment in the movie for me was when Jesus was whipped, beaten, then expected to carry His own cross, then nailed to the cross.  To actually see the moment portrayed was gut wrenching and I couldn't stop crying.  But most of all I couldn't help but beg for the torture to STOP!  If Jesus and God weren't communicating OUR worth to us, I don't know what else could have been done. 

It boggles my mind, even before I was born, God deemed ME worthy and forgave MY sins (past, present and future sins) by giving His own son so WE ALL may live forever with each other.  Awesome?  I think so!!  Each and every one of us are worthy of that forgiveness, worthy of goodness, worthy of healing, worthy of EVERYTHING.  We have value in this world according to God.  Though the world has its own definition of worth.  Maybe this is why the human race is all screwed up?

Through the world's eyes we're aren't worth anything if we don't have the money, success or material things.  But personally when I meet God, I don't want to be the one saying...look how much money, succes and THINGS, I had!  I want to be saying look who I brought to Your Kingdom!

I may not be worth anything by this world's standards but I mean the world to God! 

"All God wants is YOU!"

Alright, now for some Valentine's day fun with the husband.  His ultimate desire is to see Gnomeo and Juliet tonight, haha should I be concerned for his love of Gnomes?  Gnomes are kind of scary to me.  But the movie looks cute, so I'm giving into his "need" to see such a movie. 

The Day Goes On

SILENCE

The silence in the household is deafening, though the tv is on and the clicking of my nails on the keyboard fill our small living room, the nervous silence between David and I is drowning out the noises of the world.  There's truly nothing to say. 

David and I had many errands to run today.  We love driving around together because it's our time to talk about everything or listen to music and let the music talk.  But today was different, we had the opportunity to do all our errands without the children (thanks to David's parents).  Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of talking, but a HUGE elephant was present in the car and it wasn't easy to ignore.  We were talking so much, we even reminisced about the days we used to spread out a blanket at the nearest park and to talk for hours about life, love and future plans.  As we reminisced, all I could dwell on was, "never did we imagine THIS?"  But who would imagine such horrible situations?

POSTED

I announced my blog officially today.  The overwhelming response has been such a blessing.  Even though David and our family have a FABULOUS support system (our parents/family especially), it's nice to know we will have the love, support, prayers and good thoughts from as many people as possible.  To have support from people you don't even know is the most heart warming feeling to me.  Since, I never felt like I was a "people person."

All the comments we received are so comforting.  But let me unveil some things about myself.  To everyone I may seem like a strong spiritual woman, but inside...this woman feels broken, shattered and unworthy of a God who would give His only son for someone like ME!  I'm far from the perfect praying church wife.  But I have come a LONG way from my rebellious party girl ways.  BUT I still let my anger get the best of me, along with my "confrontational" tongue.  I love a good drink with an umbrella, along with a menthol cigarette.  Music is a huge outlet for me but some of the music on my playlist should be deleted.  Most of all I will NEVER feel like a good enough friend, sister, daughter, mother and wife!  I will not allow this blog to become false advertisement, I'm FAR from perfect!  But God loves me and wants me to come to Him as I AM!!  The closer I become to God the more HE (and only HE) will fix what needs fixing.  I'm only human and no one understands more then Jesus!

"Looking for someone to love you for you?  He loves YOU, let Him love you back!"

It's prayer time here and I need to get some rest since David and I our celebrating Valentine's day tomorrow afternoon!  So, I may not be on to blog tomorrow night.  If I do not get a chance to blog, PLEASE keep David in your prayers, he was called to be at the hospital

Monday at 10:30 AM and we will be there for about 5 hours (give or take)

PLEASE BE PRAYING!

Thank you in advance!

Scheduled Surgery

DOORS

"Where God closes one door, He will open another".

(Recap- David's doctor needed him to see the urologist before seeing the oncologist and the urologist recommended didn't have an appointment for ANOTHER week!)

David was NOT going to let another week go by, he wanted answers, he wanted this cancerous mass out of him and out of him NOW.

That same Monday, David called another urologist in the Lehigh Valley Hospital network instead of the Reading Hospital network.  The doctor was able to see him Wednesday February 9th at 8am.  AHH, that date felt much better for us!

On February 9th we got to the urologist early to fill out paper work.  Once we were taken into the examination room, the nurse checked David's vitals and soon after the doctor entered.  The urologists confidence gave me peace and his straight forward talk made me feel confident he knew what he was talking about. 

The urologist told David/us everything about testicular cancer in a very "these are just the facts" type of way.  But he told us, David must get another ultrasound, more blood work and he might as well get all the pre-admission testing.  Though the urologist believed the ultrasound and lab results our primary care physician ordered, he wanted to see all the test results with his own eyes.  Then the urologist informed us David was going into surgery Monday February 14th and all of David's testing was going to be ordered STAT.  Which I honestly did not know what STAT meant.  But apparently it meant THAT SAME DAY!  Luckily I was going for a follow up appointment at the same location David needed to get all his testing.  Wednesday ended up being a LONG exhausting day.

SAVING FACE:

After the long drawn out day, David and I were never happier to be home.  If you know my husband personally, he is the type that attempts to hide his feelings but his feelings are written all over his face.  I could tell he was nervous, stressed out and the events of the day have drained him, not only physically but emotionally and mentally.  He looked deep in thought with no where to escape from those thoughts.  I felt for him, wanted to cry for him, wanted to be angry for him but mostly I wanted to know the outcome so I could give him some kind of peace!  But all we can do is WAIT...wait and just BE!

I PRAY:

"I wait on you, Oh God!  I wait for you to show your indescribable power because I know though this hard time, it's ALL ABOUT YOU!"

It's prayer time now, goodnight everyone!  Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts!

Double Whammy

THE BIG NEWS:

My daughter's death came to a shock to EVERYONE!  There was SO much anticipation for this newborn  because it would be my first vaginal birth after two cesareans.  Plus I was birthing at home and the excitement of everyone around me was like a drug.  On January 16th 2011, Jubilee Eden was vaginally born STILL.  I promise to blog about my home birth experience but let's get to the REAL point of this blog.

The day before my daughter's memorial, my husband mentioned his testicle was enlarged.  He said he first noticed the enlargement 1-25-11.  I suggested he should see the doctor on Monday (1-31-11).  Sunday, January 30th 2011, came and went in a whirlwind.  After the memorial, David and I did have the night alone, there was nothing to say or nothing to do but be still..be quiet and just BE!  On Monday, David called the doctors office and got an appointment the same day.  At first, David was skeptical of me going with him, but I stressed the importance of letting me "be there" for him.  He agreed, though I do admit it was odd to be in the room with him while another woman touched my husband.  But I was more nervous for him then anything.  She ordered an ultrasound for him and told him the possibilities of the mass found in his testicle.  He got the ultrasound the next day and the same day the doctor called us in with the results.

The night before David was suppose to get his ultrasound, I was praying.  There was nothing more I could do, but pray.  My specific prayer time with God has been more silent then usual.  Since my daughter's death, I have been doing more of the talking and not too much listening.  But this specific night it was different.  God told me to get on my knees.  I felt totally convicted!  In all honesty, I haven't been praying for my husband like I used too because I was so engulfed with praying for the birth of baby Jubilee.  Then after Jubilee's death, I was just praying for the strength to pull myself together for my living children and my husband.  But, I did as God said, I knelt by the bedside of my husband and prayed.  I had no clue what I was praying for but I knew I needed to pray.  While I was praying the Lord revealed the ultrasound results and I had no clue why he would reveal the results and NOTHING else.
 
(Back to: after the ultrasound, the doctor called us in same day)
We got to the doctor's office right away and since I was still sore from birthing a child, I sat down right inside the door.  I looked down and there was a Holy Bible (not even joking).  I heard God (as clear as a bell) say "Pick it Up".  In my mind all I could think about is "why is there a Holy Bible in this doctors office, did I never realize the Holy Bible's in other doctor's offices".  I picked up the Bible and right away I turned to Psalm 27.  If you want to know what Psalm 27 says, READ IT YOURSELF!  I sat there in awe and attempted to get David to read it but the nurse called us in.  The nurse checked David's vitals then left and the doctor soon popped in.  She sat down and read the ultrasound results, "David, the ultrasound results show that you do have testicular cancer".  As she explained what that meant, I couldn't help but break down.  But I quickly pulled myself together.  The doctor recommended that David should go down the hall and get blood work done right away and gave us the number for the oncologist.

As David got blood taken, I sat in the waiting room having a full on conversation with God.  I wanted to know why.  I wanted to know, why now.  I wanted to know, why him.  I wanted to know GOD would cover my husband and SAVE him.  I knew my prayer by David's bedside that night would need to be a powerful one, I would be fighting for his life, I would be doing the warfare!

That night, I prayed my little heart out!  NO satan you cannot have my husband.  I prayed against anything my husband and I were ever exposed to spiritually.  I broke him free from any family health issues, broke any word curses and prayed this word cancer would just leave David's body.  Lastly, I prayed we would find the right doctors. 

PHONE CALLS, TESTING, STRESS

Wednesday, February 2nd, David called the recommended oncologist, but because of the snow all their systems were down.  The office promised they would call by Friday with an appointment.  David waited as long as he could Friday for the oncologists office to call, but finally he called them (not happy btw).  The office said they needed to get all the information faxed to them and they need to review it before they can see David.  So David would have to wait until Monday to get an appointment.  David's a patient man, but he was not happy to wait.  But seriously, what person wants to wait after hearing the word cancer?!

Monday, February 7th came quickly after a MUCH needed weekend with friends and family!  FINALLY the oncologist calls and schedules an appointment.  Only two hours later does David find out he needs to see the urologist first and the one recommended scheduled his appointment for the NEXT Monday.  David was NOT going to wait ANY MORE, he wanted to get into the urologist NOW. 

That's enough for tonight, I'm exhausted, still need to pray and I have a special date at my love's bedside!

"Every prayer, long or short is heard and IS ENOUGH!"